Don't Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings by Tyler Perry

Author:Tyler Perry
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2006-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

PART SIX

DON’T ASK DR. MADEA

ADVISORY

The advice contained in this chapter may be hazardous to your health or kill you.

The Fried-Everything Diet

Back in the day, I would be considered what was called “fine.” A good thirty, forty years ago, I would be considered sexy. Just go back and look at some old pictures of real people, like Marilyn Monroe and Pearl Bailey, Aretha Franklin. You go back and look at them. You will see how it was to be sexy way back then.

Nowadays, you look at the magazines, and all you see are these skinny girls everywhere. I don’t understand it. There’s nothing sexy about a rib cage. Men don’t want no rib cage, what the hell! Back in my day, men wanted some meat on the bone. So that’s why I eat to stay fine. You look at little Beyoncé. She’s got an old woman’s booty but the rest of her body is a little too skinny, so that ain’t sexy. Sexy was when you are even all over. You are 45-40-45. That’s sexy.

I eat because I got to stay this size because I want to keep a man. See, when you’re full-figured like I am, it’s easy to keep a man, especially in the winter. In the summertime, they don’t want to be around you because you’re too hot all the time. And to tell you the truth, I don’t want to be around them, either. But in the wintertime, they’ll snuggle up against you to stay warm, especially if you ain’t paid the gas bill. This is particularly true if you got a skinny man—believe me, he’s really going to be up under you.

My favorite food is fried. Period. Whatever’s fried, that’s my favorite. The deeper you fry it…the better. I love fried everything: fried chicken, fried catfish, fried potatoes, fried collard greens.

My diet is “Eat till you’re full, drink till you fall out, and then get up the next day and do it again.” Now, I can do that for as long as I live. (I am a diabetical right now, so I have to slow down some. You know, you can’t eat everything when you’re a diabetical. They tell me it’s because of my diet. But I don’t know, because I have a cousin named Eileen. She used to eat a whole lot of food, too. She got it, too, but she was real skinny. So I don’t know what they’re saying. All I know is somebody’s making some money on this insulin they selling. They’re selling insulin like dope. More folk got diabetes these days than ever before. What happened? Back in the day, you never heard about diabetes. Now everybody’s got it. I don’t know. Something must be in the water.)

One day they tell you that you can eat something, then the next day, they tell you it’s unhealthy. I don’t understand all these people say they’re experts. Expert in this! Expert in that! How the hell are you an expert in food! Yeah,

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