Disorders of the Self by Masterson M.D. James F.; Klein M.D. Ralph;

Author:Masterson, M.D., James F.; Klein, M.D., Ralph;
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Taylor and Francis

Observing Ego

During the first year of her therapy, Diana’s observing capacity strengthened. Intellectually, she set herself to work immediately, exploring patterns in her life. She noted that she felt like a teenager, dependent on her mother, but trying to be independent. She resented the sense of obligation she connected with dependency, and wryly remarked: “My sisters have their husbands, and I have my mother.”

She began to play out her character patterns in the therapeutic relationship. She wanted me to guide her, but resisted my inquiries. I noted that she seemed to want to lean on me, but then pulled away. She told me that, after our second session, she dreamed that a woman cab driver had taken her to Trump Tower. Diana had liked her until it was time to pay, when she realized that the woman planned to shoot her. This was followed by another dream of being shot in the back by a woman friend.

The dreams were associated with trusting her feelings to a special other person. She told me that she had resisted my inquiries about her love affair, because she knew she would cry and she was afraid to let it happen. She thought relationships changed once a partner showed feeling, and remembered her mother’s often saying: “Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve, or they’ll take advantage of you.”

She began to see her childhood and her family in a new way. From the outset, I had confronted the discrepancy between her idealized account of her past and her uncertainties about her present self and relationships. It seemed puzzling that such seeming security could produce such insecurity. At first, she had said that the only upsetting event of her childhood was when the dog died. Now she viewed her life “in two places—like day and night.” There was the shiny surface that was presented to the neighbors, and beneath it was a dark side marked by arguments, emotional isolation, and rebellion.

She realized that she had been frightened of her mother, who had given her the impression that love is a relationship between a powerful person and a helpless, needy one. She remembered that her mothers disapproval could make her feel as if she had been shot. She recalled her dependency on approval, and how smart and quick she had become in avoiding disapproval (she learned by watching how the middle sister was scapegoated). She also had adopted an emotional detachment that provided some distance to keep her from fears of being engulfed.

As she became more observing and insightful, she expressed herself more directly with her mother and became more assertive at work. She also began to reveal her feelings in sessions. Her real self was beginning to emerge. She choked up when describing how her life had been an illusion, and how she had learned to undermine the closeness she sought.

Tenacious preoedipal issues dominated the oedipal, which often seemed close to the surface. She dreamed that she was searching for her father, who was lost “out in the dark, out in the waves.

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