Dangerous Boobies by Caitlin Brodnick

Author:Caitlin Brodnick [BRODNICK, CAITLIN]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Da Capo Press
Published: 2017-09-12T00:00:00+00:00

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If you ever want to feel like an Austin Powers Fembot, you should have a double-mastectomy-with-spacers combo deal. Or just buy the costume online. Whichever is easier!

I know, because during the double mastectomy, after my oncologist left the operating table, my plastic surgeon took over and turned me into a cyborg. The plastic surgeon inserted bilateral breast-tissue expanders—spacers—that had been prefilled with a small amount of saline under each of my pectoral muscles. Instead of waking up flat-chested, I’d have slightly filled spacers that created a small A-cup. This felt simultaneously comforting and alien.

I understood that the spacers were used to gently widen a space behind my chest muscles to make room for the new implants. But having my body parts pulled apart like I was a rotisserie chicken is not how I thought this would go down. I thought they could just pop an implant in there, like the time they gave a guy calf-muscle implants on MTV’s True Life: I Want the Perfect Body. Sadly, MTV is still where I get most of my plastic-surgery knowledge.

The spacers, and then later my implants, were placed behind the pectoral muscles because without the breast tissue, there wouldn’t be much other than skin covering the implant. A little bit of side muscle is also used to keep the implant in place. “You don’t want your implants sliding down your chest,” my doctor casually mentioned. Um, no, you’re right. I don’t want that. I’ll take one muscle bra, please. Every two weeks, I’d have to return to the plastic surgeon’s office, where my spacers would be slowly inflated with additional saline until they were large enough to be replaced with permanent implants. This process might take a few months as we waited for my body to adjust to each new expansion.

When I first heard this, I almost fainted (my power move). Then Dr. Pusic explained that she was creating “a little cocoon” for the implant to live in. She had me at “cocoon”! That sounded adorable. I felt immediately better. Clearly, this wasn’t her first rodeo—she was an expert at breast reconstruction and calming crazy-lady nerves. I felt like a beautiful butterfly, soon to have perfect butterfly boobies!

The spacers were comfortable enough. Each one had a small circular metal port. The nurse located that port using a medical magnet. You know, more robot stuff. When it was found, they marked me with a Sharpie marker. I’ve used Sharpie markers on numerous protest signs, so this part was relatable. She then inserted a long needle/medical syringe/nightmare into the metal port to fill my spacer with saline solution, slowly expanding my implant. I would see my breast rise as if I were giving chest birth to a POD-BABY ROBOT-ALIEN SPACE CREATURE. She would expand my spacer with about 60 ccs of saline solution—equal to about a quarter cup of saltwater—at each visit.

There was no pain because my chest was still numb from the mastectomy surgery, but there was some tightness. I was still on a low dose of pain meds because the surgery was only one week earlier.

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