Confessions of the Other Mother: Non-Biological Lesbian Moms Tell All by Harlyn Aizley

Author:Harlyn Aizley [Harlyn Aizley]
Language: rus
Format: epub, mobi, pdf
Tags: AvE4EvA
Publisher: Beacon Press
Published: 2006-04-27T20:00:00+00:00

From the Outposts of Lesbian Parenting

Robin Reagler

I am the other mother. Earlier in the process of choosing to become a parent, I had hoped to be the mother, but this is the way it all worked out.

Four years loomed between the time when my partner, Marcia, and I first talked seriously about having a baby and the time the baby actually arrived. Because I am older than Marcia, and because I was the first to decide that I wanted to give birth, I was the first to try to conceive. I got pregnant twice, followed by two miscarriages. The miscarriages were brutal, for reasons beyond the loss and grief that Marcia and I shared. The doctors we worked with were homophobic and made comments that were thoughtless and inappropriate. One doctor expressed profound disbelief that our known-donor’s wife had agreed to this arrangement. Another acted horrified that we planned to do our insemination at home. When I asked why, she claimed that it was not hygienic—as though the typical American husband excels in cleanliness. I kept shopping for new gynecologists. The ignorance that we discovered among medical professionals was shocking—and this in Houston, Texas, a city known internationally for its superb medical center.

Then I turned forty; my metabolism stalled a bit, and my knees began to creak. We decided to reevaluate our baby-making plans. Although we live in a large American city and have many friends, we did not know any other lesbians engaged in the creation of families, except through adoption. One thing I have realized is that for gays and lesbians, isolation is a real possibility no matter where you live. Without a community to encourage us in our journey, we decided to call it quits.

And that was the end of that. We were sad, but we were content. Af

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ter all, we had a dog-child and a cat-child to keep our home animated. We could bike across Europe in the summers, snorkel the coast of Cozumel, and enjoy life without diaper genies, pacifiers, bibs, and Teletubbies.

Then, six months later, my partner walked in from her therapy appointment and announced that she would like to try to get pregnant. She hadn’t really told me she’d been considering this option. I was surprised and a little taken aback. If I felt alienated as the lesbian mom-to-be, how would it feel to be the lesbian mom-to-be’s partner? Would I find myself even more isolated, not once, but twice removed from motherhood?

As it turned out, Marcia’s pregnancy held a number of surprises for me. Maybe we learned from the first go-round or maybe we just lucked out, but Marcia’s pregnancy did not push me to the edges or make me feel invisible, as I had feared it would. It actually put me in the center of the circle—even more than my own pregnancies. This time around, for medical support, we turned to a group of midwives. The four women in the group were warm and supportive. Typically, a pregnancy checkup lasted as

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