Angela's Decision by Angela Schmidt Fishbaugh

Author:Angela Schmidt Fishbaugh
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Skyhorse Publishing
Published: 2015-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

When I wake up at my usual 5:00 a.m. time, I sit with Richard in meditation. Somehow, being high on gratitude last night, followed by a run and a good night’s sleep, has made me hungry for more goodness. Meditation seems like the perfect starting ingredient. When I sit, however, I observe uncomfortable feelings coming forth. I judge myself for choosing the INSPIRED! T-shirt. I ridicule myself and say the shirt should read, EXPOSED!

Throughout meditation, which is only twenty minutes long, I review the previous day’s meeting and wonder if I gave too much information. I review, ruminate, review, ruminate. All of this is nothing new to me, however meditation usually brings me back to the present moment and helps me let go of all that nonsense. In today’s meditation, I am aware of how long it is taking me to quiet my monkey mind.

In the middle of meditation, I focus more on something visual. I visualize a bright light swirling in my center and growing with each inhalation. As I exhale, I picture the light going to others in the world, especially those who have suffering in their lives. Inhaling, I see the light filling my whole body, and exhaling I send calming light to others. Inhaling, exhaling, and calming my mind are the antidotes for any ruminating thoughts. Richard gently taps me on my shoulder to let me know our twenty minutes are up. I decide to keep the red INSPIRED! T-shirt for today’s work with a gentle, “You chose that for a reason, so go with it!” The T-shirt certainly goes with my life’s current circumstances.

When I get to work, I walk to my mailbox, as I always do. However, this time the walk is different. As I look at everyone else, I can see sympathy in their eyes. I can tell the news has spread already and I am back to my EXPOSED! feeling.

The first friendly face that I see is Joe. I greet him the way I always do.

“Hey, boss!”

He looks down with a smile, as if it is hard for him to take me calling him “boss.”

“How you doing?” he asks.

“I’m okay, just feeling more ‘exposed’ than ‘inspired.’”

“You can be everything!” he offers.

His simple words are enough to transform me again. I smile and continue onward. I love it that one person’s words can mean so much. I feel better, and this sets the tone for my day.

I have a week and a half until my mastectomy. First things first, however. Wednesday is my colonoscopy, and Thursday is Thanksgiving. When people stop me in the hallway to ask how I am doing, I tell them I am feeling great but the doctor wants me to get this one last cancer screening out of the way before my mastectomy. I jokingly mention that I have to fast two days before Thanksgiving and I will have my colonoscopy the day before the holiday. I laugh harder that I will be able to stuff myself even more with turkey and pie because I will have flushed out everything beforehand.

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