Almost Friends by Philip Gulley

Author:Philip Gulley [Phlip Gulley]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780061739262
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2007-10-26T04:00:00+00:00

Thirteen

Mr. Sunshine

Charlie Gardner reclined in his La-Z-Boy watching Jeopardy and matching wits against an Iowa schoolteacher.

“Iwo Jima, for crying out loud. She’s a teacher, she oughta know that. Boy, I wish they’d put me on that show. I’d be set for life. Hey, Sam, bring me a little more iced tea.”

Three weeks had passed since Charlie’s heart bypass operation, and Sam Gardner was quickly losing all sympathy for his stricken father. In addition to yelling at his television, he’d been barking orders right and left. Sam and his mother were exhausted. Earlier that day, Charlie had caught them in the bedroom closet plotting a coup, scheming to exile him to the rehab center in Cartersburg. He’d fought back, employing the divide-and-conquer strategy, booting Sam outside to pull weeds and ordering Gloria to the Kroger to buy more Cheetos and Dr. Pepper.

Sam phoned the doctor to discuss his father’s temperament, explaining that he’d turned into a tyrant.

“Mood swings aren’t uncommon,” the doctor said. “Some patients become depressed, others become more mellow, but some become demanding and very stubborn.”

“How long will that last?”

“Hard to say. He could be his old self tomorrow. Then again, he could stay this way for years. Maybe he should go for counseling.”

“Fat chance of that happening,” Sam said.

Sam had suggested that very thing the week before, and Charlie had hit the roof.

“So now you think I’m crazy. Is that what you’re saying? I know what you want. You want to get me committed to a nuthouse and get all my money. That’s what you want.”

Then he’d sent Sam outside to clean the gutters. Sam wasn’t surprised. He knew that, like most men in Harmony, his father was suspicious of counseling or any other endeavor that might suggest a personal weakness.

“Psychiatrists? What do they know? They’ll set me down on a couch and ask me if my father ever spanked me, then charge me two hundred dollars. Of course my father spanked me. And it’s a good thing he did, or no tellin’ how I’d have turned out. Problem today is that fathers reason with their children, talk till they’re blue in the face. I say spank their heinies until they walk the straight and narrow, just like my dad did with me. And you’re not too old for me to do that to you, Sam, so watch yourself.”

Sam came back inside the house, just as his father came across the Dr. Tom Show while flipping through the television channels. Four men were seated in a circle talking about male menopause and getting in touch with their manhood.

“For crying out loud, would you listen to that. What’s so hard about being a man? You work, take care of your family, see that your kids learn respect, and get your wife something at Christmas. What’s so hard about that?” Charlie said.

“I liked what Dr. Tom said about men needing to be more open, that they don’t always share their feelings,” Gloria said. “Maybe you’d feel better if you talked to someone about how you feel.

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