A Modern Marriage by Christy & Mark Kidd

Author:Christy & Mark Kidd
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Publisher: Gallery Books
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

* * *

I said a little while ago that Travis and Patricia didn’t teach us with words as much as by example. Not entirely true. There were times when they did throw us a word or two to teach us something we wouldn’t have learned any other way. How to ensure that Mark’s junk worked, for example.

“What was the first thing you did when you met us?” Travis asked Mark one evening when we had a few minutes to kill.

“I don’t know, probably offered you a drink,” Mark replied.

“Bingo,” Travis said. “Mistake number one.”

We were mystified for a minute, but what Travis meant was that you don’t mix sex with alcohol. Not unless you want to risk having your junk fail on you. Travis himself never drank or did drugs—his secret crutch was orange juice on the nights he was swinging—and he pointed out that most other guys didn’t dare drink on those nights, either. Revelation: ohhhh, so that was part of the reason Mark failed so humiliatingly with that manicurist bitch back in one of the bad clubs, the one who shut him down because he couldn’t stay hard. We thought back to that night and realized Mark had taken a Valium to settle his nerves, then got hammered with alcohol on top. Could that have contributed? Duh.

So with just a few words from Travis, Mark was motivated to clean up his act. In the ensuing weeks he experimented with limited amounts of various libations until he found what worked for him. Not beer—too filling. Not gin and tonic—the quinine left a sour taste in his mouth. What he finally hit upon was Britney Spears’s drink of choice: a combination of Red Bull and a small amount of vodka—the vodka gets him buzzed quickly and the Red Bull leaves his mouth tasting like bubble gum, which he swears women appreciate during kissing. The point is that Travis raised his consciousness about this aspect of the lifestyle, and Mark was able to treat it like a growth experience and get himself to a better place.

As for me, I’ve always pretty much stayed with white wine and champagne. Classy and less complicated than all the other choices. But I keep my drinking to a minimum anyway, for a very selfish reason. I want to remember all the fun I’m having! Seriously, I want to keep my memories of these adventures as clear as I can, so I can cherish and fantasize about them for years to come.

Also on the subject of junk not working, Travis had one further word for Mark that we can honestly say changed his life: Cialis.

Really, Eli Lilly and Company should give Mark and me a lifelong stipend for all the good things I’m about to say about its number-one best seller. Cialis isn’t just a boost for flaccid old men. It’s nothing less than the magic behind modern-day swinging. So much so, in fact, that I can’t believe swinging lasted as long as it did through the seventies and eighties without it.

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