The Man Inside Me by Sean Kerr

Author:Sean Kerr [Kerr, Sean]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: SGK Publications
Published: 2018-09-29T23:00:00+00:00

Yours, in anticipation

Edward Hyde.

Chapter Nine: Passions death

As related by Utterson.

It felt strange, to know that I would never see Sir Danvers Carew again. Some two days had passed since we found out about his murder, and still, it shocked me to think about it. In life, the man was filled with a gentle charm, and a wit so sharp as to cut paper, yet he died alone in the dark, miserable, without ever seeing the faces of those who once made him happy.

Richard was correct, of course. The Labouchere Amendment, for which he was partly responsible, left a bitter taste in my mouth, for now, more than ever, the homosexual must hide his true nature from a world that would imprison him.

Freedom was now but a luxury afforded to those who conformed to a pre-determined moral code, a morality dictated by frightened politicians who persecuted those they did not understand. Fear breeds contempt, and contempt breeds crusades. And as it seemed, laws.

Carew was afraid. Afraid of discovery. Afraid of losing his position in Parliament. Afraid he would lose the privileges that wealth and comfort afforded him. Afraid that people would point a finger at him and laugh. Ultimately, he died because he was afraid.

Could that not be said for all of us? Me, Henry, even Richard? Were we not all dying inside, from our fear and our pain, of the constant need to hide and deny ourselves our true identities?

As I sat in my office, gleaning some comfort from the books which surrounded me, I could not help but think we were all trapped within our own moral codes of existence, living in fear of losing all that was dear to us. Instead of parading down the street hand in hand, proud and defiant, we shied away in the shadows of our careers and told ourselves our choices were just and right. That we fitted in. That we were a part of our community. That we were complete.

Complete. More and more I found myself less than the man I desired to be, and more of the fool I feared.

I knew, all those years ago in Oxford when all of this began, there would be a price to pay. I fell in love with Henry Jekyll, the charismatic lunatic with ideas to save the world, a man filled with wonder and passion, with an infectious life that made my days brighter than the sun. It was too late to turn away from him, too late to ignore his blue eyes and his blond hair, and the little smirk that always creased the corner of his mouth when he saw me. No, I could no longer turn my back on him than I could have turned my back on the law, we had come too far for that. And in my mind, in the corners of the darkness that always threatened, I thought that we should find a way. That we could make it work.

Sometimes I would look out across my own

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