The Cross in the Closet by Kurek Timothy

Author:Kurek, Timothy [Kurek, Timothy]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: BlueHead Publishing
ISBN: 9780983567745
Publisher: BlueHead Publishing
Published: 2012-10-02T00:00:00+00:00

~~~

Shawn finds me, hours later, in the corner of Tribe, four beers in. He sits next to me on the couch and puts his arms around me. My head on his shoulder feels right and comfortable. It is not something I would have done with any man before all of this, but I feel utterly vulnerable and know that with Shawn I am in a safe place. I can fall apart in his arms and trust that his only intention will be to comfort me. He is that type of saint, a hero to me. I begin to cry. No one else is around, so I feel safe to talk.

“What happened? How did they find out?” he asks in a soothing voice.

“Exactly how we thought it would happen. My brother’s friend.”

“Tim, you aren’t perfect, and you slipped—but this project isn’t over.”

“The whole thing is over now,” I say. “I’ve lost my brother, and my mission.”

“Why would you say that? Why would it be over?”

“Because my family knows.”

“You barely see your family,” he says, rubbing my back.

“But they’ll tell people.”

“Tim, your project isn’t over. It’s only just begun. You may not have the same relationship to your brother or your mom that you did before this, but you can’t stop what you are doing. You have to keep going. You have to keep going for me.” His eyes express something I have not seen before. “We don’t need you to rescue us. We need you to rescue yourself, so you can be the example.”

“An example? I don’t feel like I could ever be an example.” I sound pathetic.

“You already are. I believe in you, but you need to believe in yourself too.”

“I’ll try,” I meekly whisper.

I look across the main room to the bar and see Will wiping down the counter. He is looking at me and smiles as we make eye contact. I feel urgently thankful that he is a part of my life again, and that Shawn is here to comfort me.

“You have a kind heart, but you need to stop beating yourself up. Take advantage of this time while you have it, and keep searching—”

“But I lied to them,” I say.

“And I lied to my family about being straight, all those years,” he says.

“But that’s different. That was your process.”

“Maybe. But this is your process. It’s unique and messy, but it was meant to be. I know God led you to this. I’ve always felt your conviction was proof of that.” He hesitates before continuing. “I love you, Tim.”

“I love you, too, Shawn.” I do. But I also feel guilty, knowing that I cannot love Shawn the way he needs to be loved, the way he deserves to be loved.

I feel something else in his words. Does he love me…or is he falling in love with me? I dismiss the thought as soon as I think it. That is the last thing I want to happen right now. Two seasons have passed me by and I know I am past my homophobia, past my irrational fear of gay men.

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