Sex Positive by Dr. Kelly Neff

Author:Dr. Kelly Neff
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781786783738
Publisher: Watkins Media
Published: 2020-02-10T16:00:00+00:00

Rejecting the Expectation of “Achieving” Orgasm

As we discussed at the start of the book, so much of what we think we know about sex is fake old news we’ve been taught by a crumbling patriarchal system that no longer serves us. This could not be more relevant than when it comes to the conception of orgasm as the be-all, end-all purpose of sex. How many times has someone felt like a failure because their partner wasn’t able to orgasm? How many times has it sparked fights, insecurities and conflicts in your life, or led to the end of a relationship altogether? Our insane focus on work ethic and productivity has programmed us to believe that we must accomplish goals at all times, especially when it comes to sex. If our partner didn’t orgasm, then did we fail to please them or to do our “job”? Absolutely not. Sex and orgasms are not about a job, they are supposed to be an enjoyable intimate experience. As we begin to embrace more sex positive attitudes, we realize that sexual interactions themselves have never been just about orgasm: They are all about pleasure!

We are entering a time in our collective sexual development where it becomes crucial to reframe orgasm in terms of our intentions to give pleasure as opposed to performing on command and delivering orgasms on cue. Especially for women, it is simply not going to happen every single time in the context of intercourse. Most women have a hard time orgasming from vaginal sex alone, and some cannot orgasm at all. Can you still enjoy sex even if you are not orgasming? Of course! The pleasure that comes from stimulating physical touch and connection with our partners is sometimes even better than the orgasm itself. According to Quodoushka teachings, “paradoxically, the way to enjoy consistently higher levels of orgasm is to let go of trying to get them.”125 Ironically then, the more we stop aiming for this goal, the more easily we can achieve it. We can no longer allow the pressure to deliver orgasms to squeeze the joy out of sex! We all deserve better!

For years in our culture (and even in the study sexology itself), it has been assumed that vaginal intercourse was somehow the “pinnacle” and goal of all types of lovemaking. Yes, this idea stems from a model which wrongly assumes that what pleasures the male from an evolutionary perspective should therefore also inherently pleasure the female. However, most women do not actually orgasm during vaginal intercourse. This explains why as many as 9 in 10 women who masturbate do so without any vaginal penetration, usually focusing exclusively on clitoral stimulation.126 Women, if we’re great at masturbating but rarely do so using the vagina, are we really surprised at the fact that vaginal sex alone doesn’t always make us orgasm? This discussion is in no way intended to shame or discount the women who do orgasm from vaginal sex. It is more about reframing our expectations so

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