My Father's Keeper: The Story of a Gay Son and His Aging Parents by Jonathan G. Silin

Author:Jonathan G. Silin [Silin, Jonathan G.]
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
Tags: General, Biography & Autobiography, Gay & Lesbian, Aging, Gay Studies, Social Science, Family & Relationships, Medical, Parent & Adult Child, Parenting, Personal Memoirs, Caregiving, Family Relationships
ISBN: 9780807079652
Google: WRNT4b_ywy8C
Amazon: 0807079650
Publisher: Beacon Press
Published: 2007-05-15T07:00:00+00:00

more generally and their continuously loving disposition toward me.

It was not until their own physical decline set in, however, that they experienced directly the kindness and care that endeared Bob to them. I am not sure that my parents could love anyone who was not flesh and blood, but I do know that their tolerance and acceptance eventually turned into the deep appreciation that characterized their later relationship with him.

These concerns that shadowed my first book soon begin to pale when I start to write essays in which my parents themselves are central characters. Weighing my feelings of guilt about hiding something from them against my fear of the blame they will heap upon me for misrepresenting their lives, initially I decide not to show them anything. How will they respond to reading that they are dying, that I am resentful of the demands their care places on me, that I see them as pathetic and helpless? I am quickly becoming the kind of writer/

researcher that I have scorned in the past, the kind who does not involve the informants or share the results of his work with them.

I always seek to build collaborative relationships when conducting research. For example, studying the work of staff developers, I lead regular focus groups with them. Before each new session, I hand out a written summary of the prior meeting in order to elicit their feedback.

Am I representing them accurately? Have I misunderstood their intentions? These collaborative strategies are practical; I want to conduct research that is meaningful to the participants and that helps them to look at their experience in new ways. These strategies are also ethical; I want to minimize the distortions and judgments to which outsiders are given in describing the experience of others. Sometimes, however, political considerations interfere.

One such politically charged effort at collaborative research stands out for me. I have spent three weeks anticipating the meeting with the college president to discuss the distribution of our report on m y fat h e r ’ s k e e p e r n 83

the school-reform project. Given the difficult politics in the school district, do we want to release a report that is highly critical of the current change efforts and that documents the ongoing mistreatment of children and adults in the system? Will we lose our place at the table of reform? Will our adversaries in the district use the report, which is also self-critical, against us?

I am a few minutes late when I enter the president’s office. An administrative foul-up has required that the meeting be held an hour earlier than expected. Slightly out of breath, irritated by the change of time, and hoping to keep my impulse to speak too quickly in check, I am surprised when a women turns to me saying, “We haven’t really started. We were waiting for you.” Although I am one of a handful of men in the college and the only man on this project with a staff of twenty-five, I am suddenly struck by being the only male in the room of five female executives.

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