Heal the Body, Heal the Mind by Susanne Babbel

Author:Susanne Babbel
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications
Published: 2018-08-20T21:21:20+00:00

“Why am I staying when it is obviously the wrong person?”

One possible answer to this question is that we can mistake intense attraction for a sign of compatibility or love—­even when our logical mind is telling us that the relationship isn’t good for us or is downright dysfunctional. That pull feels like a magnet we can’t resist; we feel we cannot live without the other person.

Another point to consider is that a “trauma bond”—­that is, a bond between an abuser and a victim—­creates a particular type of intensity by using extreme opposites intermittently. These might be, for example, caring and fear, closeness and abandonment, making one laugh and then cry, talking and silent treatment, tenderness and violence, and so on. This creates a “time arousal-­jag”—­that is, a hormonal response that occurs when an increase in arousal (such as from fear) is followed by abrupt low arousal (from caring), making it harder for the victims to leave. This is often a major factor in an abusive relationship.

A perpetrator usually uses charm, trust, and/or authority to win a victim over—­and then exploits and manipulates the victim later. This can happen in domestic relationships, as well as between a boss and employee, doctor and patient, priest and congregation member, yoga teacher and student, or any relationship where there is a power differential. Victims of trauma bonding can be of any age, gender, race, or socioeconomic status.

Initially, to gain power and control, the perpetrator may try to fulfill the victim’s deepest emotional desires, such as to be loved, taken care of, or accepted. The perpetrator may then switch to isolation techniques, so that the victim has no resources to leave and becomes dependent. The perpetrator will also criticize, degrade, manipulate, dehumanize, and make the victim feel helpless and insecure, so that the victim is flooded with self-­doubt and feels both that the abuse is somehow deserved and that leaving isn’t possible. Victims are left feeling crazy.

Such abusers are highly skilled in finding victims and making/keeping them dependent. Victims may not be conscious of these tactics. In hindsight, you may recognize that the relationship was unhealthy, abusive, or not the right one. Your vulnerabilities and needs likely weren’t as clear at that time as they are now. To one degree or another, most of us can be and have been manipulated, coaxed, or innocently drawn into relationships that seemed to have great potential. Please be assured: it was not your fault.

Orienting Toward Relaxation

If you’re in a nontoxic relationship but still experience difficulty with enjoying touch, you first need to learn how to relax your body. Then, explore how to sense pleasure by yourself. After that, you can work up to enjoying sexual pleasure from your partner. The following two exercises will help you begin this process.

It can be difficult to feel pleasure when your body is tense and constricted. Therefore, it’s important to teach your body that it is safe to relax and feel intensity. I recommend practicing the Jacobson progressive muscle relaxation technique developed by Edmund Jacobson (1946).

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