And in Health by Dan Shapiro

Author:Dan Shapiro
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Shambhala

4-9. Give up the “silent treatment” and learn to talk it out.

My father is retired military. We were taught not to speak up. . . . Sometimes it is important not to say anything, but sometimes it’s important to let everything out.

—RICHARD KELLEY

One of the largest studies of married couples followed 373 couples, interviewing them four times over sixteen years starting when they were first married. Researchers looked at the predictors of divorce by year sixteen (46 percent of the couples had divorced by then). In the study, there was one specific type of pattern that served as a harbinger of bad things to come. This occurred when one partner was trying to express him- or herself and listen carefully to the other spouse (the researchers called this constructive) while the other partner avoided conversation or withdrew (called withdrawal).15 If this sounds familiar to you, tune in now.

Here’s the interesting piece. The angry partners who were labeled as withdrawing actually felt that they were protecting their spouse from their anger. They were following Grandma’s old adage, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” But when researchers asked the spouses of withdrawing partners how they felt, they shared that they interpreted the silent treatment as a lack of interest.16 The thinking appeared to be, If they can’t muster enough energy to tell me what they think, they must not care that much.

This pattern of silencing anger can be especially toxic for women, apparently. In another study, over thirty-five hundred individuals were followed for ten years. Women who “self-silenced” during conflicts with their spouses were four times likelier to die during the study period.17

Speaking about what’s in our hearts can be very helpful. Ever notice that people who live alone their entire lives sound strange? When we live in our own heads, we can drift away from reality. Many of us have had this experience. We’re nursing along some angry or strange idea in our heads and then when we bring it up with our spouse, they dramatically change our perspective with a few words.

Richard Kelley, one of the men I interviewed, shared that for him, it took learning that his wife needed him to speak sometimes, especially when he was upset, because she could tell that something was wrong, but she had no sense of what it was. The silent treatment is lethal because it leads to self-incriminating speculations.

Some of the folks I interviewed shared that they don’t like fighting when their spouse is ill, that it feels unfair to “hit them when they’re down.” So rather than saying anything, they are silent. Unfortunately, their spouse often knows something is wrong because of the silence. Some, like Richard, who grew up in a military family in which emotions were not discussed, had to learn how to talk to his wife about his pain, confusion, and, when appropriate, his anger. Individuals who grew up in families in which emotion was always present may feel confused with spouses who grew up in quiet households that never shared emotional upset.

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