You Blew It! by Josh Gondelman

Author:Josh Gondelman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2015-09-14T16:00:00+00:00

Joe Blew It: A Tale of Two Parties

Bachelor parties are for celebrating a relationship’s imminent entry into the “contractual obligation” stage. They can also mark the end of a relationship for any of the groomsmen, if they’re not careful enough. Or at least, that’s what happened to me.

My friend Andy’s bachelor party consisted of a stripper-free visit to the happiest place on earth: Six Flags Great Adventure, in New Jersey. The excursion was not without some of the usual bachelor party trappings, though. Despite the absence of in-person nudity, the TVs in our limo streamed porn on a continuous loop, in case we got pulled over and had to prove to cops that we were super hetero. Our alcohol supply was infinite, with two different kinds of absinthe alone. Perhaps more potent, though, we had pot-laced Rice Krispies treats, a questionable addition to any roller-coastering experience. All told, we had an embarrassment of riches, which perfectly set the stage for the embarrassment of embarrassments to come.

What happened over the next three hours is virtually indescribable, for both lack of memory and absence of dignity. Needless to say, alcohol, edibles, and roller coasters do not go together. Neither do fully grown men and Looney Tunes–costumed Six Flags entertainers. We laughed like maniacs. We screamed like children. We got chased all over by security, for a variety of reasons. Only two groomsmen survived the day without passing out or throwing up on anything, and I was one of them. Once the pot wore off a little, I felt so confident in my abilities that I began exchanging texts with my new girlfriend, Meghan.

As it turned out, Meghan was planning some fun of her own that day. She and a few friends had decided to throw an impromptu dinner party at her place, and after a string of texts, she invited me. The reason I should’ve declined, though, was the same reason I eagerly accepted. We’d been going out only about six weeks. We were still at the tenuous point early in a relationship where it seems as though it could all end on a whim. Or maybe that’s just my experience. In any case, her invite struck me as an express lane to intimacy. In no way did I consider that she was maybe just being polite and I was maybe not in the right head space to show Meghan’s friends just what she saw in me.

Later that night, as I began introducing myself with sloppy high fives, I felt my confidence carry over from Six Flags, where I’d easily been among the most coherent and well maintained of the group. What I didn’t realize is that going directly from a bachelor party to a civilized gathering of adults is like going from playing Little League to playing for the Yankees at Fenway Park in Boston.

I was so wired that I forgot essential social graces, like showing any interest in other people, talking with no food in my mouth, and not having bright red, bloodshot eyes.

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