Who P-p-p-plugged Roger Rabbit? by Gary K. Wolf

Author:Gary K. Wolf
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Gary K. Wolf
Published: 2015-05-11T19:51:50+00:00

I put the Toontown Graveyard a couple of miles behind me. I wished I could do the same for this case.

I uncorked my liquid hammer and beat a few brain cells to death, but they must have been in the wrong quadrant. The memories lingered on. What’s worse, they intensified. I swear I could smell that dumb bunny’s cologne. Eau de phew.

As I returned the bottle to the glove compartment, a hand reached out from behind my seat and pincered my shoulder.

I rammed the car into a light pole. The jarring impact slipped me out of his grip. I whipped out my cannon, thumbed the hammer, whirled in my seat, and stuck the barrel halfway up the dastard’s snout.

“P-p-p-please don’t be mad at me, Eddie, for getting scared and running away.”

“Roger?”

He sneezed my gat out of his honker. “I’m so sorry. I’ll do anything you say to make it up. I’ll be your p-p-p-personal slave. Say the word. I’ll wash your board, I’ll scrub your bucket, I’ll whisk your broom, I’ll clean your clock.” He climbed into the front seat. “Don’t hate me just because I’m not as brave as you are.”

“You miserable, good-for-nothing twerp,” I yelled at him. “Why aren’t you dead? I watched you die.”

“Which movie?”

“Real life! “

His balloon took the shape of a ghost. “You must have been hallucinating. Graveyards have that effect.”

Not on a hard-bitten dick like me. There was only one explanation that made sense. “This cousin of yours. Dodger Rabbit. He look like you?”

Roger shook his head so forcefully the ends of his ears cracked like bullwhips. “Don’t be silly. I’m unique in all of rabbitdom. Nobody ever mixes up me and Dodger. We’re totally different. He parts his hair in the middle.”

“You always stutter on P’s? No exceptions?”

“P-p-p-pretty much.”

The dead rabbit hadn’t. “That picture of you and Selznick. Could that have been Dodger and Selznick instead?”

Roger shut his eyes. A mental vision of the photo floated in the air between us. He pulled out a magnifying glass the circumference of a moose’s monocle and went over the picture inch by inch. “By golly, you’re right. It is Dodger. That scurrilous scamp’s been impersonating me! That rabbidy rat. He nearly got me killed!” Roger wrapped his stubby hands around the floating image of his cousin’s neck. He strangled a half quart of air.

“He’s always been the black sheep of the Rabbit family.” Roger closed his eyes so he wouldn’t see what he said next. “I never thought I’d wish this on any relation of mine, but that foul foolish fellow deserves to be incarcerated. Eddie, when you catch him, make sure he gets five years in Sing Sing, at least.”

“I got good news for you, buddy. He’s serving a longer sentence, in a lot worse place.”

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