When Elves Attack: A Joyous Christmas Greeting From the Criminal Nutbars of the Sunshine State by Dorsey Tim

Author:Dorsey, Tim [Dorsey, Tim]
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: Serial Murderers, Christian, Serge (Fictitious Character), Humorous, Storms, Florida, Christmas Stories, Crime, General, Humorous Fiction, Fiction
ISBN: 9780062092854
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2011-12-15T07:00:00+00:00

Chapter Nine

MR. DAVENPORT

Serge jumped up. “What’s the matter with Jim? What kind of problem?”

Coleman pointed back in the general direction of the living room. “You need to come see.”

Serge zipped up some shorts. “Country, don’t move. I’ll be right back.”

Coleman led the way. “He’s in here.”

The pair approached the living room. “What’s that music?” said Serge. “It isn’t the Christmas tunes I had on the stereo.”

They turned the corner. Jim sat cross-legged on the floor.

“What’s he doing?” asked Serge.

“Going through your Led Zeppelin CDs.”

“ . . . Hey, hey, mama, said the way you move . . .”

Jim looked up. “This is the most excellent music I’ve heard in my entire life.”

“Jim?” Serge took a step forward. “Are you okay?”

“Listen to that time signature, man!” Jim slowly curved his arms apart in the air. “Drums go one way and the guitar blasts off in another, and then every few measures they meet up perfectly, like it was always meant to be—” Jim stopped and became racked with uncontrollable giggles.

“Coleman,” said Serge. “His eyes are all bloodshot. What did you do to him?”

“Nothing. We were all just sitting around the table, and he suddenly started acting weird.”

Serge looked over at the table. In front of Jim’s chair was a serving plate full of gingerbread crumbs. “Coleman, please tell me you didn’t give him the gingerbread house. It’s got pot in the walls.”

“You just said to feed him. It’s all we had.”

“Baby Jesus! What’s Martha going to say when she finds him in this condition?”

“Maybe we can get him into bed before she finds out, and he can sleep it off.”

“Good thinking.” Serge bent down and grabbed Jim under one of his arms. “Help me get him up.”

Coleman grabbed the other. “He’s heavy.”

“Jim,” said Serge. “Time to be getting home, big boy.”

Jim pointed back at the stereo as they guided him toward the door. “But ‘Stairway to Heaven’ . . .”

Serge helped him crawl under the Christmas tree. “I’m afraid right now they’re playing ‘Stairway to Your Bedroom.’ ”

The pair steadied Jim as they walked him across Triggerfish Lane. Jim’s head lolled to the left. “I know you. You’re Serge.”

“Just keep on the way you’re going, one foot in front of the other.”

Jim looked ahead. “That’s a big house. And I own it. There are a lot of electrical wires in the attic connecting everything. Far out.”

“He’s completely baked,” said Coleman.

“Don’t think we’re not talking about this later.”

They made it up the steps. “Get his keys.”

“They’re in this pocket,” said Coleman.

Serge quietly opened the door and peeked inside.

“Why are you worried?” asked Coleman. “Martha’s not home.”

“But Nicole might be.” Serge tugged Jim forward and tiptoed. “She can’t see her dad like this. On the other hand, I did help her with the tattoo, so she might play ball.”

“There are the stairs,” said Coleman.

It was slow going, but they finally made it to the landing.

“What’s that music?” asked Coleman.

“Coming from behind that closed door,” said Serge. “Must be Nicole’s room. We’re in luck. Let’s hurry and get him under the covers.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.