What You Have Left by Will Allison

Author:Will Allison
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Free Press

CHAPTER SIX

2001

Lyle

Some of the other kids are already doing addition, but Claire’s having trouble with basic counting. One, two, three, four, six, five, sixteen, seventeen, eleventeen. Holly is convinced she’s dyslexic. During the parent-teacher conference, Miss Peavy tells them not to worry, Claire’s talking circles around her classmates, the numbers will come. But it’s Holly’s nature to worry. She took up smoking again when she was breast-feeding—maybe that’s what did it. “She’ll count when she’s ready,” Lyle says. “I didn’t count till I was eighteen.”

He’s thirty-five now, Holly’s thirty, and Claire’s almost four, which means, according to the syndicated columnist in the paper, she’ll soon begin forming permanent memories. “I don’t want her first memory to be Mom sucking a Camel,” Holly says. And on that point, Lyle agrees. They’ve worked hard to keep their habit a secret from Claire, going so far as to never utter the words “cigarette” or “smoke” in her presence. So it spooks them both, the following week, when Claire walks into the kitchen with a crayon dangling from her lip.

That night, they decide to quit together. Mathematically, it’s a no-brainer. “Subtracting a negative is the same as adding,” Holly says. “Adding is positive.”

“And positive,” Lyle says, “equals good.”

Holly picks the day, a Saturday, because they’ll both be home. “I’ll need the moral support,” she says—as if she’s the only one quitting. Lyle lets it slide. She smokes a pack a day compared to his half pack, and she’s been at it since high school whereas he didn’t start until his twenties. Lyle intends to quit cold turkey, so he starts tapering off a week in advance. Holly, meanwhile, stockpiles prescriptions for nicotine gum and patches, asks around for a hypnotist, arranges to take the weekend off work, and starts smoking double time to make up for all the cigarettes she’ll miss out on for the rest of her life.

On Friday, their last official day as smokers, Lyle comes home from work, where he’s been negotiating a deal to distribute video poker machines in West Virginia now that they’re illegal in South Carolina. He finds Holly and Claire on the kitchen floor, playing with wooden blocks. Claire is fidgeting. “What’s two and two?” Holly says, moving pairs of blocks into a foursome. Claire looks away, pokes out her lip. Then, a huge smile. “A tutu! A tutu! Can I put on my tutu?” Holly says, “I give.”

Once Claire is busy with her dress-up clothes—tutu, princess crown, elbow-length sequined gloves—Holly and Lyle slip out to their spot beside the rosebush, where they can keep an eye on her through the window. Holly kisses her cigarette before she lights it. “Little friend,” she says, “your days are numbered. Your number’s up. You can’t argue with the numbers.”

On average, nonsmokers outlive smokers by ten years. Holly has posted this bit of info on the fridge, for inspiration. They’re determined to stick around long enough to see Claire graduate from college, get married or not, become whatever she becomes. Even so, quitting feels like a loss.

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