What Would HM the Queen Do? by Mary Killen

Author:Mary Killen [Killen, Mary]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781473587281
Publisher: Ebury Publishing

Table Manners

Some of the tensest moments of life are linked to the festive celebratory occasions that should be the most enjoyable. The reason? Other people’s table manners.

Those brought up to slurp, speak with their mouths full, or chop meat into dog-food-like chunks before forking in the gobbets will cause no tension in houses where the same practices are observed. Should they marry into a household where the custom is to do the opposite, their partner will, in the fullness of time, feel suicidal. It is one of the reasons why society has traditionally frowned on marriages between people of contrasting rank.

But, as Britain is now characterised by very fluid social snakes and ladders, peace must be brokered in the table-manners war – and the most sensible solution is to copy the table manners of our own dear Queen, not because they display her high rank but because they have evolved out of practicality.

When the Queen entertains, footmen arrive at the left shoulder of each guest bearing each dish in turn and the guests help themselves. The footmen are alert and ready to shimmer forward if they perceive the merest flicker of desire for some ingredient not yet offered. In this way, each guest is delightfully satisfied. Not so all the members of the Royal Family. ‘Life at Buckingham Palace isn’t too bad, but too many formal dinners (Yuck!)’, said Princess Di in a letter to a friend shortly after her engagement. The Queen has to preside over a number of state banquets each year. Invariably guests are offered a choice of chicken or vegetarian dishes so that no one needs to say, ‘No, thank you.’

In a footman-free zone, it is up to us to pre-empt peevishness by making sure the plates of our neighbours to both left and right are fully loaded with everything they might want. It is in our own interest to do this as our neighbours will then be better company.

It is also in your own interest – if you are a man – to talk first to the woman on your right for the first course and to the woman on your left for the second. It is almost like a team game and the one who lets the side down is the person who selfishly doesn’t turn, causing the whole process to collapse like dominoes. So turn you must, even if you have fallen passionately in love with the person next to you at the table.

Conversationally you will do better not to broach inflammatory subjects. It is bad for the digestion. You will find with the Queen (who, incidentally, by contrast talks for the first two courses with the person on her right, but that is for regal reasons), that if you are about to broach a subject that is somehow unacceptable, she will quickly let you know, glaring in a certain way. Dinners are not debates, they are meant to promote a sense of inclusivity and harmony, and gratitude to the powers that be.

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