What in God's Name: A Novel by Simon Rich

Author:Simon Rich [Rich, Simon]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Fiction, Humorous, Retail
ISBN: 9780316203326
Google: IMscKuIXTFsC
Barnesnoble:
Publisher: Little, Brown
Published: 2012-08-07T04:00:00+00:00

“Are you okay?” Eliza asked Craig. “You’re sweating like crazy.”

“I’m fine,” he said, forcing a smile. “Let’s just get started, all right?”

He heaped a pile of notes onto his desk. “I’ve arranged Chance Encounters before,” he told her. “It’s hard—but not impossible.”

He flipped through his research. “Laura goes to Dunkin Donuts every day, usually around eleven. Sam takes the F train to work each day at nine-thirty. Maybe we could delay him somehow and alter his route? It would take some serious troubleshooting, but I’m sure we could get the humans to cross paths.”

“And then what?”

Craig shrugged. “They start talking, sparks fly…romance follows?”

Eliza shook her head. “I don’t know.”

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Even if your coding works—even if we can get the humans into the exact same spot at the exact same time—I think we still might be in trouble.”

“What do you mean?”

Eliza paused, searching for a polite way to phrase her opinion. Eventually, she gave up.

“He’s gotten crazy fat,” she said.

Craig absentmindedly pinched his own love handles. “Sam’s only fifteen pounds overweight,” he said. “Twenty at most. It’s not like he’s obese or anything.”

“Granted. But think of it from her perspective.”

She opened up a clip of the humans’ last meeting. “The last time she saw him, he looked like this.” She pointed at Sam’s relatively svelte 2011 physique.

“Now she’s going to see him again and—boom! He’s gonna look like this.” She popped up a picture of Sam’s current state. “It’s drastic.”

Craig winced. Eliza’s bar for male attractiveness was disturbingly high.

“He doesn’t look terrible,” Craig said. “He’s just a little fat.”

“He’s a lot fat.”

“It’s not his fault. I mean, he’s clearly going through some kind of depression. Lots of people eat poorly when they’re feeling down.”

“I’m not blaming him. I’m just saying we need to do something.”

She zoomed in on Sam’s torso.

“If Laura runs into him on the street, she’s not going to think, ‘Oh, great, here’s the guy I used to have a crush on.’ The only thought in her brain is going to be ‘Wow, how’d this happen? How’d he get like this?’ I’m sorry, but that’s just my opinion—as both an Angel and a woman.”

Craig threw his hands up in frustration. “I don’t know what to tell you. We can’t just burn his fat off. It goes against the laws of thermodynamics.”

“Can we change the way he dresses? So the weight gain is less pronounced?”

“He’s got free will, Eliza. If he wants to wear khakis and a T-shirt, there’s nothing we can do to stop him.”

“Well, we’ve got to think of something.”

The Angels sat in silence, plotting their next move.

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