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We Are Totally Normal by Rahul Kanakia

We Are Totally Normal by Rahul Kanakia

Author:Rahul Kanakia
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2020-02-11T00:00:00+00:00


13

OVER THE NEXT TWO WEEKS, Dave and I hooked up constantly. Usually it was at my place, on nights when my mom was at work, or at his place, before his parents came home.

The sex usually started out great. I was excited. I was into it. I enjoyed kissing him, but when we got to more intimate things, I tended to get a little bored, and almost always I had to picture somebody or something else in order to finish.

More and more, I sidetracked things by going down on him. Weirdly (to me), I enjoyed that a lot. It was sort of relaxing. I could control the pace. He gave me lots of positive feedback with his gasps and moans and frequent repetition of “You’re blowing my mind” (it was basically his sexual catchphrase). And most important, I didn’t have to be so anxious about whether I was enjoying it or not.

And, okay, whatever, maybe that was normal. Maybe I was a bottom? (Isn’t that what they call the goer-down-on-er? Unlike Hen, who seemed to have been born with an understanding of what all these words meant, I still hadn’t really even cracked open my big gay dictionary.) And I could and did get off each time, eventually. But something about our sex left me feeling damp and unclean, as if I was covered in a thin layer of spit. I’d travel outside myself and look at the two of us with our long ungainly bodies grunting and huffing on the bed, and it would just disgust me, and the only way to get through it, I kept finding, was to imagine Avani.

She came more and more into my mind as I hooked up with Dave. Sometimes, when he was trying to get me off, I’d imagine her body underneath me, my hand resting on her hip. Other times, when I was going down on him, I’d stare up into his eyes and imagine I was her, that I was inhabiting her foxy, narrow face and looking at him through her pale green eyes.

Somehow in all the haze and anxiety of trying to get it up, trying to finish, trying to make him happy (because he wanted to make me happy), I’d gotten to this place where every time we hooked up, I had to include Avani somehow in the fantasy—the whole situation worried me, and to be honest I mostly tried to shove it out of my mind the moment the sex was over.

Anyway, the part afterward was the best. We’d lie together, and our lips and hands would run over each other while soft words passed from mouth to ear.

One time Dave pressed his face to my neck for a long time, and I said, “Are you crying?”

“No.” The word was muffled.

“Then why is my skin wet?”

He pulled back, wiping his eyes with the back of his palm. “I’m sorry. It’s just this is so crazy.” The words piled up in his mouth. “I feel like my body is exploding.



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