Traveling with People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Barefoot Passengers, Armrest Hoggers, and Other Traveling Troublemakers by Jen Mann
Author:Jen Mann [Mann, Jen]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2021-10-24T17:03:43+00:00
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A few hours later we were on the plane and winging our way to sunny California. I was seated between Adolpha and Gomer, holding a portable DVD player so they could watch a movie and eat their weight in Goldfish crackers. I like my children to be quiet when we travel and the best ways to keep them quiet are: endless screen time, copious snacks, and a fuck ton to drink. My number one mistake was I hadn't revised my general strategy even though it was Gomer's first attempt to go anywhere without his diaper safety net.
Gomer put down his baggie of Goldfish and whined, âMommy, I have to go potty.â He immediately started wiggling in his seat. âI need my special seat.â
âOh! Okay!â I jumped into action. Gomer's âspecial seatâ was a foldable potty seat insert. I didn't even know such a thing existed until a friend handed hers down to me. Her son was over four years old when he finally potty-trained and part of the delay was that he was terrified he'd fall into the toilet.
âYou have all your house toilets fitted and ready to go, but it's the damn public toilets that will fuck everything up for you,â she explained when she handed over the cherished potty-seat.
âMommy,â Gomer whined. âHurry. I need to go bad.â
âOkay, buddy,â I said, digging through all my carry-on bags. âI'm trying to find your special seat. You want it, right?â
âYes,â Gomer said, tugging on the front of his pants.
âHere it is!â I said, waving the little potty seat in the air. âLet's go!â
I quickly unbuckled us and stepped over Adolpha and into the aisle. I was reaching back over her to grab Gomer when the flight attendant made a beeline straight to me. âMa'am,â she said. âMa'am! You need to return to your seat, please.â
âI just need to take my son to the bathroom,â I said, hoisting Gomer over Adolpha's legs and into the aisle with me.
âIt's too late,â the flight attendant said. âWe've already begun our descent.â
âWe have?â I asked. âI didn't hear the announcement.â
âWell, the captain just announced it. You need to remain in your seats.â
Gomer was literally dancing in the aisle. âI can't do that,â I said. âHe's just learning how to use the bathroom. He can't hold it. I even have a special seat.â I waved my seat in her face as if that might convince her of the severity of our situation.
She looked disgusted. âYou should have taken him before we began our descent. It's FAA rules.â
âLook at him,â I argued. âHe needs to go. He'll be done in thirty seconds. We'll be back in our seats before you know it.â
âI can't allow you to go to the bathroom,â she said, blocking the aisle.
âOh come on, lady,â the woman in the aisle seat behind me said. âShe could have been done by now if you'd just let her go.â
The flight attendant glared at the woman. âIâm just doing my job.â
I couldnât argue with that, but did she need to do her job so well?
âHow long until we land?â I asked.
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