To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born? by Suzanne Weber

Author:Suzanne Weber
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Atria Books

I Won’t Dance . Don’t Ask Me

These “Mommy and Me ” classes?

The ones that you signed us up for?

’Cause you felt like it was something we needed to do?

’Cause everyone else was doing it?

Mmm. Not so much.

Watching you dance to the Lollipop song .

I wonder if you ever had any dignity.

Or, for that matter,

if you ’ll ever

have any concern

for protecting

mine.

Styling My Self

I’m not happy with my color story.

Just ’cause I don’t have a sense of the world at large and its many nuances doesn’t mean I have no sense of fashion.

Just ’cause I have trouble finding my own toes sometimes

doesn’t mean that I couldn’t pick out a better top to

match my leggings.

Just ’cause I don’t know my own name yet

doesn’t mean that I don’t know that baby blue and aqua

are a tricky combination to pull off.

I realize that baby clothes are expensive.

They won’t last long at the rate I grow.

But ya gotta realize that—on some level—

I am representing the family

and how I appear to people—

especially on first impression—

makes a notable difference.

To you.

To me.

(Well, maybe more to you than to me

because everyone knows

I’m not the one

who picked out this

atrocious cabbage-rose-patterned onesie

with ruffles in all the wrong places

and a profoundly unflattering fit.)

Every time you choose an outfit for me,

you need to ask yourself:

“Would I wear this if it came in my size?”

And, if the answer is

“No!! Are you fucking kidding me?”

you need to put that outfit down,

and go find me some

nice black yoga pants,

an asphalt-colored t-shirt

with a slight a-line and three-quarter sleeves

and a pair of black ballet flats.

I’m a baby.

Not a clown.

And only crazy people wear their pajamas

when it’s midafternoon.

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