The Wisdom of Yoga by Stephen Cope

Author:Stephen Cope
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2018-12-03T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter 9

THE HIDDEN POWER OF RESTRAINT

YAMA: RESTRAINT

“We were in New York City, at the restaurant, before the show,” said Kate. She shook her head slowly, and squinted—evincing what seemed to be sadness tinged with disgust.

It was a sunny Saturday morning in mid-January, and Kate, Susan, and I were sitting on Susan’s sunporch after yoga. The snow was melting fast in the heat of the midday sun, and though holiday decorations were still up, it smelled like spring. Kate was describing her recent trip with Ward to New York City (a part of their ongoing attempts to reconcile).

“It was all very elegant and beautiful, as it usually is with Ward. He’s got his world so well-ordered. There’s no room for slipups.”

Kate brushed her long blonde hair off to one side. “He’s gazing into my eyes like a lovesick teenager. And I know he’s doing it just because it’s his idea of how this particular scene should go.”

Kate stopped, and then slowly got up and moved toward the window—visibly upset. She turned back to face Susan and me: “It’s empty, you guys. It’s all staged. For whom, I don’t know. For his family? All I know for sure is that I’m just a prop.

“I’m just playing the role with him.” She shook her head in disbelief. “I’ve convinced everyone. Even myself.

“I always remember something my mom said to me when I was learning to dance: ‘If you believe it’s real, it’s real. If you believe you’re a princess, you’re a princess.’ Then she would shove me out onto the stage.” And Kate exaggeratedly mimed her mother’s sadistic push.

“You have no idea how far that way of thinking went into my head. ‘If you believe you love him, you’ll love him.’ ”

For a long moment, we all watched a lone starling grousing for food at the birdfeeder.

Kate looked up again and continued the story: “He’s looking into my eyes. I know he’s got a new emerald ring for me. He says, ‘Do you love me, Boo?’

“I looked right at him and said without any hesitation at all, ‘You know I do.’

“And right there, in that very moment, I saw myself,” Kate said directly to me. “Suddenly that little piece of ground that you talk about opened up, Steve, and I was standing on solid ground. I was seeing the whole picture.”

Kate was now shaking her head. “It wasn’t true. Of course I don’t love him. I have never loved him, really. I’ve been using him, just as much as he’s been using me.

“But what shocked me is that I saw how easily I lie. Not even realizing it. So smooth. And I just watched myself, as you might during an automobile accident or something. In slow motion.”

After her epiphany in the restaurant, Kate had excused herself and gone to the ladies’ room—where she had looked long at herself in the mirror. She had said out loud, “Who are you?” Staring back, she saw a beautiful woman. An elegant black dress from Saks. A new emerald ring.

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