The Third Circle Protocol by Georgina Cannon

Author:Georgina Cannon
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Inner Traditions/Bear & Company

SECTION TWO

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Friends, Lovers, And The Unloved Ones

CHAPTER 8

You and Your Ex

A heart can stop beating for a while; one can still live.

— SUZANNE FINNAMORE, SPLIT: A MEMOIR OF DIVORCE

Whether you’ve spent two or 20 years with your ex, separating is rarely easy or pleasant. Someone is the “dump-er” and the other person is the “dump-ee.” The dump-er is often filled with guilt and a fear of losing the kids (if they have any). The dump-ee is hurt, bewildered, embarrassed, and angry. No wonder the chances of having an “adult” conversation about this are knife-edge slim. And that’s when there’s been no abuse or infidelity. Imagine what it’s like when you add in these two volcanic situations!

Another complicated relationship. So much of an “ex situation” depends on how you exited from the relationship (hence “ex”), the timing, and who else is involved, such as children, beloved in-laws, mutual friends, and even co-workers.

The reality is that everyone’s ex situation is different, and some people’s recovery rate is faster than others. The goal here is to act with grace and dignity, respecting your boundaries and his or hers, allowing you both to move forward out of the relationship into a life of peace and to separate one from the other as far as circumstances allow. This should be a learning in your life, not a destruction. So let’s plan to make it work for you, not against you. And maybe, possibly, one day, you’ll be able to interact with your ex with a smile and kindness, and no lasting “ickyness.”

You spent time together, you loved each other, and now you’ve separated. Allow yourself to grieve, because you are in mourning. If you can, recruit a support system from a nonjudgmental circle of friends or a professional therapist; in order to heal and move on, there is no question you are going to need help. And by the way, that help should not come from your ex—it’s over, it’s finished, it’s gone. On the other hand, if your ex calls, emails, or stops by your house, seeking comfort for his or her broken heart, kindly and firmly let them know that you’re no longer his or her support system. Shut the door and move on.

Now, it is natural to “get” very upset and agitated when things aren’t going as you would like. But is natural necessarily always good for you? No! It most assuredly does feel good—temporarily— to get things off your chest, but that rarely helps solve problems that won’t go away (just because you blew up), and indeed it often makes them worse. An alternative is not to hold these feelings inside, but rather to attack them and reduce them to a level that enables you to handle the situation more functionally.

— ALBERT ELLIS, PH.D. & ARTHUR LANGE, ED. D.

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