The Tea Party Guide to Being a Real American by Roland Boyle

Author:Roland Boyle [Boyle, Roland]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781402262708
Publisher: Sourcebooks, Inc.

Not Adam and Steve.

Our human legacy of original sin gave us the knowledge of our nakedness (Genitals 3:7), linking sex and shame forever. God punished our founding fuckers by expelling them from Paradise and cursing women with menstrual periods and pain in childbirth.

It was eating from the Tree of Knowledge that caused their downfall. Knowledge is bad! And Satan is the smartest, wiliest knower of them all. He tempted Eve; she tempted Adam; and the rest is Creationist history. This is why public funding for sex education is not only fiscally irresponsible, but morally corrupt. Kids don’t need to know anything about sex, except not to do it!

Yet, from early childhood, we’re naturally curious about the horrifying body parts involved and the strange sensations issuing from them. We want to know how it all works. We hear other kids talk about sex and are amazed that they don’t explode or get hit by lightning. They say the word “screw” and we try to imagine how The Man can spin around as he drills into The Woman. We hear about fellatio and cunnilingus and 69 and we think, really? People do that? Can they even look at each other afterwards? The whole thing seems crazy and silly and embarrassing and please, tell us more.

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