The Skeleton Code by Campanella Alla;Massey Ken;

Author:Campanella, Alla;Massey, Ken; [Alla Campanella and Ken Massey]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Morgan James Publishing
Published: 2017-08-15T00:00:00+00:00

Don’t Underestimate Trust

You may think we are being alarmists, or hyperbolic like your parents tended to be when you were a kid. “Don’t play with that or you’ll poke your eye out!” We understand that you are skeptical about our call for skepticism, and we like that.

The truth is, however, that misplaced mutual trust has led to more exposure than all the bikinis in Rio. We aren’t exaggerating when we advise you to treat trust like nitroglycerin.

In an earlier era, a baker came to suspect that he was being cheated. He didn’t believe the farmer from whom he bought butter was giving him a pound of butter for a pound’s price. So, he began to take the pound of butter home to weigh it and sure enough, he was getting short changed.

Irate that he had trusted the farmer, the baker sued for damages. When they appeared in court, the judge heard the baker’s accusation and then turned to the farmer.

“Do you use standard weights when measuring out your goods,” the judge asked?

“As a matter of fact, I don’t,” said the farmer, very calmly.

“Well then sir, would you mind explaining how you measure your goods?”

“Yes, your honor. When I measure out the baker’s butter, I take a one pound loaf of bread that I buy from him and put it on the other side of my balance scale.”

The moral of the story is more than “you cannot trust anyone.” The moral is that mutual trust means secrets always come out in pairs: theirs and then yours. Half of that equation is unacceptable. You may resist the notion, but it is universally true. Unless you want people putting your secrets on their own morality scale, you best guard against any mutual trust. Keep the trust traffic moving in only one direction!

You must stay on your guard because trusting can sneak up on you. It can feel like being really comfortable with someone. You don’t even realize your guard is dropping until it’s down…which is too late. We will turn to some tips on keeping your guard up in a moment.

Here’s the thing with you and your secrets: It can be a tough relationship, especially when the skeletons have been around for a long time and no longer give you any pleasure. Many of these secrets wear us down, harass us, and otherwise hang things over our heads. This makes us vulnerable and anxious.

Whenever we are anxious about a relationship or situation, like the one hiding in our closet, there is a powerful tendency to offload that anxiety onto someone else. Anxiety builds like steam in a teapot. Eventually, that teapot needs to release the pressure, and that’s when it starts to sing.

Psychologists call this release triangulation. When our secrets cause too much pressure and there is a release valve like a “trusted” friend, we start to sing like that teapot. The feeling is that we are easing the pressure, but this is a delusion. Triangulation doesn’t diminish our anxiety at all. It multiplies it by releasing it into an echo chamber of exposure.

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