The Secret Footballer by The Secret Footballer

Author:The Secret Footballer [The Secret Footballer]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Transworld
Published: 2018-05-30T00:00:00+00:00

Bedknobs not broomsticks

What they don’t tell you in Gray’s Anatomy. That’s right, the oldest one in the book isn’t actually in the book.

Physios have medical beds with a hole in one end for the patient to push his face into as the physio cracks the clicks in the patient’s back or soothes his hamstrings with a passive-aggressive massage.

The hole in the bed is an old idea that just keeps getting better as the world changes. I found that it was a good way to be on my phone texting my exotic but demanding Parisienne mistress while in the physio room. That would usually be a fine, but because you are face down with your boat race in a hole nobody sees you doing it. If you’re not caught it never happened.

I had previously tried to lay a newspaper flat on the floor and peer through the hole to read it but my arms weren’t long enough to turn the pages, and I figured that by the time I had evolved that capability the news would have grown stale. I’m no fool.

You need something to lose yourself in as the physio – or preferably the female masseuse – eases your tensions. The phone did that. App after app. Bad news story after bad news story. Angry incomprehensible text in French after angry incomprehensible text in pidgin English.

It all helped me to feel more relaxed about the situation. Until the big knobs took an interest.

The big knobs would wait for that little window of opportunity which opened when you weren’t exactly sleeping but drifting somewhere in the fuzzy zone between reality and daydream. The biggest of the knobs would come to rest on your back.

That’s right. I am literally speaking about players with big knobs here.

Sometimes they’d rub the python on the side of your face.

And if you were really relaxed they’d start smacking the thing against your forehead.

This is the shit that The Secret Physio won’t tell you, but I bet it’s happened at every club he’s ever worked at. The trick is for the offender to keep going as long as he can before the patient actually comes round and realizes exactly what is happening.

Football being football, a player can be fined for using his mobile in the physio room but not for waving his cock around. The only danger he faces is from the experienced player who can pretend to be daydreaming only suddenly to spring into action like a coiled cobra ready to bite. One of my best friends in the game, a man who was more proud of his huge chap than he was of any of his huge cars, got his foreskin split after a lightning-quick strike by one of our ageing centre-halves. Nobody had seen the defender move like that in years.

For the miscreant, no stitches, but no blowjobs for a month either.

It’s a tough game, the football, and in no way homoerotic.

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