The Search for Spark by Steven Erikson

Author:Steven Erikson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Tom Doherty Associates

Bridge of the Escort Engage–class starship the AFS What’s Up with That Cat? only now emerging from the Conveniently Cloudy Nearby Nebula …

Captain Honorarium Harried stepped onto the bridge and posed in front of the main viewer. The overweight mangy tomcat slumped over her left shoulder amid a mostly shredded uniform, its weight creating a permanent lopsided shoulder dip on that side, blinked lazily at the image of Admiral Prim. There was no one else on the bridge. In fact, there was no one else on the entire ship, since the captain was so competent she required no one else, having single-handedly conquered a dozen ferocious enemy empires. She now regarded the face on the giant screen as would a boa constrictor eyeing a tweety bird. “Admiral Prim, can I help you?”

“You may have noted the Willful Child is making a run for it. Captain Placard is not answering hails, so we must assume a mutiny has occurred on that vessel.”

“This is always the risk with having a crew, sir.”

“Yes, well, whatever. I want you to pursue, intercept, and if necessary destroy the Willful Child.”

“I can do that. I can do anything and everything. There is nothing I can’t do. I hold the multiple titles of Queen, Empress, Mistress of All, Duchess, Miss Universe 2107, Pet Owner of the Year 2108, Slayer of Enemies We Haven’t Even Met Yet, Tactical Genius of the Year 2109, Centerfold of the Universe for three years running, Tall Woman of the Decade, Thin Woman of the Century, Miss Omnipotence 2110, So-Perfect-It-Hurts—”

“Yes yes yes! For crying out loud, no wonder no one wants to serve on your ship!”

“Well, it’s true they die like flies but that’s hardly my fault, is it? Besides, as is now readily evident, I need no one else, so blinding is my brilliance. In fact, you might as well consider the Willful Child already destroyed, flensed and dismembered bodies spinning frozen and bloated in space, wreckage flaring with burning fuel, clouds of vented atmosphere glittering like diamonds against a backdrop of mangled metal, and really, is there anything more beautiful than that? Excepting, of course, me. Did I mention my new Page Two spread as Miss Blood-Spraying Murderess of the Galaxy—”

“Just get on with it!” Prim snapped, cutting the feed.

Honorarium Harried lifted one delicate arching eyebrow, signifying the maximum reveal of emotion permissible, and then reached up to stroke her cat—

Snarling, it savaged her hand—but that hand was the robotic one, the cat having long since destroyed the real one.

Lopsided and moving with a strange hitch in her gait, the captain took her seat in the command chair. “Chief Engineer Honorarium, prime the T-Drive. Yes sir, at once sir! Combat Specialist Honorarium, all weapons hot, please. On it, Captain! All weapons hot! Helm Honorarium, set an intercept course all speed. Yes, Captain! Dr. Honorarium, stand by for casualties—we’re about to engage the enemy. Really, Captain? There’s not one minor character left to kill! And surely you’re not interested in enemy survivors? No of course not, Doctor, it’s just protocol and we always follow protocol.

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