The Scent of Light by Kristjana Gunnars

Author:Kristjana Gunnars
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Coach House Books

TWENTY-FOUR

The bedroom of my cottage in the valley has large French doors leading to the veranda overlooking the lake. From there I can see the moonlight on the water. I lie down in the bed and see a broad hand of silver glowing across the water. The moon is large and full. It is pale as a giant pearl in the night sky. I can see how fog rolls in at night, how the air thickens.

I find myself caught on the edges of irresolution. Between happiness and sadness. Confidence and fear. All emotions roll together. Happy memories and unhappy ones. Caught in an inability to distinguish one from the other. The happy moments are the most dangerous. They are dangerous because you want them. You desire what you must not have. You desire your own ruin. What he desires presents itself to him as what he does not want, Jacques Lacan said. The permanence of his desire transmitted to an intermittent ego. This way I can pretend that my desire is intermittent. It is a fleeting desire. I do not know what I want.

I would say I am tired. I love the rain. The rain has been falling all night. In the early dawn the wood of my veranda is wet. The branches of the pine trees are wet. The juniper bushes are wet. I love the clouds sleeping between the hills. The clouds were so tired. They lowered themselves into the valley between the hills and went to sleep. They are laden with rain. They are full of sorrow. They are too heavy for themselves.

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