The Revenge Club by Kathy Lette

Author:Kathy Lette
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781035901265
Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing

18

IT’S BEEN LOVELY, BUT I HAVE TO SCREAM NOW

‘I call this emergency, extraordinary Revenge Club board meeting to order,’ I boomed, whacking the gavel. ‘This motion has been seconded and thirded and passed.’

Cressida gave a cavernous yawn and Penny flumped backwards on the sofa with a sigh – she was wearing her rattiest old tracksuit, otherwise known as ‘the pants of doom’. Not a promising start. My two conspirators had already downed a bottle of Merlot and hoovered up two packets of crisps while waiting for Jo, and looked keen on drinking a whole lot more.

Jo’s late arrival only added another layer of despondency. As she entered, a feeling of defeat settled on the room, acrid and thick, like a sulphurous smoke that clung to everything it touched. The prospect of carrying on with our vendetta suddenly filled me, too, with prescient fatigue. I looked at my accomplices. Was I really putting my future in the hands of a TV presenter who’d developed an Eeyore gene, a horny actress whose elevator was currently stuck between floors and a woman who was disguising herself as a bloke? And then I thought again of Giles’s cruel betrayal and steeled myself… Yes, yes, I was, goddamn it!

‘Look, don’t make me give the big speech about how much the men who did us wrong deserve to be taken down, and how cathartic it will be to do so, and how we’re not just seeking revenge for us, but for the whole sisterhood… a speech I’ve um, obviously just accidentally given…’ I realised sheepishly. ‘But I convened this emergency meeting to stress that we mustn’t give up! We’ve come this far! And we’re soon to see the results!’

My old friends turned their blank faces in my direction – three aliens from Planet Grim.

‘Another bottle?’ Cressida asked Penny, waving a corkscrew.

‘Why not? Since when has guzzling too much plonk and eating a plantation of crisps ever been the wrong choice?’ Penny extracted a fresh Merlot from her backpack.

‘The only reason to say no to drugs… is that it gives us more time to drink,’ Jo agreed, extending her glass. Her voice had a peculiar ventriloquial quality.

Their spirits were so low I’d need a pneumatic drill to sink us any deeper.

Driving to Rupert’s Mayfair club a few months earlier, I’d wondered what had happened to my bold, brave former self, the one who would’ve thrown flaming tampons through the windows of such male-only, sexist establishments. Well, guess what? She was back. Big time. My eyes blazed.

‘You’re currently making Scrooge look upbeat. Come on. We can do this! Women survive childbirth, motherhood, kid-and-career juggling, not to forget teaching offspring to drive while menopausal… That just proves what a tenacious species we are!’

Cressida shrugged. ‘Maybe so, but we’re ill-equipped to deal with these monsters. We might as well be trying to climb Everest in high heels and hotpants. With a disco ball.’

‘All this time and what have we achieved?’ a listless Penny agreed. ‘We’re useless. We make Inspector Clouseau look like Sherlock Holmes.

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