The Pirates! In an Adventure with Napoleon by Gideon Defoe

Author:Gideon Defoe [Defoe, Gideon]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-37826-2
Publisher: Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group
Published: 2008-10-15T00:00:00+00:00

Not long after, the Captain was knocking at the museum door, whilst two of his crew struggled with a heavy-looking bundle wrapped up in some sacking. There was the sound of running feet and eventually the Governor appeared, wearing a peaked cap with ‘Curator’ written across the band.

‘Pirate Captain! Hello!’ said the Governor. ‘Here to visit our national museum?’

‘I am, yes,’ said the Captain, beaming. ‘Always been a big fan of this kind of cultural thing. Perhaps you could give me a little tour?’

The pirates hadn’t been exaggerating about the museum. It was dark and damp, and smelled mostly of fish guts. The Governor was obviously so pleased to have a visitor that the Pirate Captain felt obliged to smile and make intelligent comments, but there were only so many things you could say about a collection of two thousand carefully catalogued pieces of driftwood, though he did manage to remark that the display of dead birds made him ‘think about mortality’. The Governor got most excited when they reached a series of miniature dioramas.

‘And this …’ the Governor said proudly, ‘is the prehistory of the island.’ He pointed at a model of St Helena covered in a lush tropical jungle with sparkling waterfalls and trees heavy with exotic fruit. A couple of dinosaurs were standing next to a flag pole saluting the Union Jack.

‘That was this island?’ said the Pirate Captain, incredulous. ‘What happened to all the plants?’

The Governor pointed at the next diorama, which featured a boat stuck on some rocks with a goat peeping out of a porthole. ‘In 1567, a ship carrying the King of Spain’s goats ran aground on the island. Two years later …’ he ushered the Pirate Captain on to the next diorama, ‘this was all that was left.’ It showed the familiar windswept scenery, complete with a couple of goats looking moody as they polished off a dinosaur skeleton. Only the Union Jack remained.

‘Bad news those goats,’ said the Pirate Captain. He patted the Governor on the shoulder.

‘England will prevail, Pirate Captain. England will prevail. And finally, we have our star exhibit, as donated by our most celebrated islander, Mister Napoleon Bonaparte.’19

‘Ah, yes, well, as a matter of fact, Curator, I’m in a bit of a hurry,’ said the Pirate Captain, suddenly clapping his hands. ‘So I suppose I ought to present you with my generous donation.’

‘A donation? For us?’ exclaimed the Governor.

‘Seems only right that a man of my stature should help patronise such an important place of learning as this. Bring it in, lads!’ The pirates dragged in the bundle and propped it upright.

‘Now,’ said the Pirate Captain, ‘I’m sure you’re familiar with my most famous adventure?’

‘Is it the one with the slugs?’

‘No,’ said the Pirate Captain, ‘guess again.’

‘Ah!’ said the Governor, ‘it’s the adventure where you left your tax return to the last minute!’

‘Actually, it was Black Bellamy who had that adventure. I always do mine in April,’ said the Pirate Captain. ‘One more try.’

The Governor spent a couple of minutes thinking very hard and looking slightly blank.

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