The Maxims of Manhood by Jeff Wilser

Author:Jeff Wilser
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ebook
Publisher: Adams Media, Inc.
Published: 2012-04-01T00:00:00+00:00

MAXIM #49

NO FAKE AND BAKES.

FINE. I’LL PUT my cards on the table: I’m pasty white. When barechested, it looks like I’m still wearing an ultrafitted white T-shirt. It’s impossible for me to tan: instead of getting that golden shade of brown, my skin first turns pink, then red, then blistery and bubbly.

Even if I lounged on the beach all summer, I’d get about as tan as Hurley gets thin on Lost. So this maxim hits very, very close to home. If anyone should fake and bake, it’s me.

Is it tempting? You bet. The thought of hitting a tanning booth twice a week, taking a nap, and emerging with a Greek-statue torso (minus the whole six-pack thing)... yeah, it’s intriguing. I daydream. I flip through coupons. I go online and check out prices.

And then I remember... I’m not in a sorority. I’m not trying to look hot in a bikini. I’m not trying to impress my ex-boyfriend whom I might see at the ten-year high school reunion. I’m not hoping that I can wiggle into my bridesmaid dress.

True, there’s something to be said for wanting to look good. (For a fuller analysis, see MAXIM #41 on man makeup). The governing principle, however, is for men to improve their appearance through a naturalistic approach.

A male fake-and-bake smacks of vanity and frivolity. Related taboos:

No waxing your legs or underarms. It’s not just unmanly: it’s creepy. You may, however, wax your back and shoulders. In the last 400 years, no woman has ever said, “Your back-hair is really sexy.”

No manicures and pedicures. True, some men are so comfortable with their sexuality—so secure in their own skin—that they can pamper their nails like women. And that’s a wonderful thing. Hopefully, some day soon, these men will be allowed to get married in more than a couple of states.

No waxed eyebrows. You’ll look like a Sesame Street puppet. It’s not a bad idea, though, to pluck in between. No maxim would ever condemn you to being a uni-brower.

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