The Liminal Space by Jacquie McRae

Author:Jacquie McRae [McRae, Jacquie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Huia (NZ) Ltd
Published: 2020-05-15T00:00:00+00:00

WILLIAM

I wake with a stiffness in my neck and the now familiar ache in my temple. I close my eyes and take a big breath in and then a long exhalation. I visualise the pain being taken away on the out-breath. I breathe in and out ten more times before opening my eyes again. It seems that there will be no getting away from the pain this morning. The oncologist said that as the tumour grew, it would become more painful and slowly start to affect my mobility. Yesterday, I stumbled twice, and the third time I fell over onto the gravel. I had hoped for a little more time.

I’ve never been a great keeper of time, but now that I’m running out of it, it does seem important to spend it wisely. I sense an urgency from somewhere to put things right. To put things in order is really what I mean. Some things can never be put right.

I slide the metal box from under the window seat and take the letters out. I read the faded address, although I know it by heart. All the letters I wrote, put in an envelope and addressed but never sent. There was always such a distance between the thoughts in my head and the words that came out on paper. I thought for a while that what I had to say might be better to say in person, but I haven’t been brave enough yet.

I take pen and paper and stare into space, hoping to find words that convey my thoughts. I stall on the starting line. How do you start a letter to someone knowing that you altered the whole course of their life? I try again and then scribble across what I’ve written. I tear off a clean sheet and force myself to write.

It is hard to find the words to explain what’s in my thoughts, and I hope that the ones I choose don’t upset you. There appears to be no bigger word than sorry, so that is all I can offer.

I hear a thump on the outside of my house; I’m grateful for the interruption. I put my latest offering on top of the others in the box and slide it back under the window seat.

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