The Less Lonely Planet by Rhys Hughes

Author:Rhys Hughes
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Publisher: Gloomy Seahorse Press
Published: 2015-02-24T21:00:00+00:00

Niddala

The lamp was as Persian as a carpet made from a fluffy cat.

Niddala rubbed it with her sleeve and told the emerging figure that she didn’t want to spend all her wishes at once. Was interest available on those she saved for later?

The blue creature shook its head. “The old stories got it wrong. I’m only compelled to give you one wish and you have to use it right now.”

“In that case, I wish for more wishes!”

“That’s not permitted.”

“What if I wish for you to fall in love with me? That way you’ll always be happy to do anything I ask.”

“That’s also against the rules.”

Niddala protested but the creature had no sympathy and merely added, “You’re running out of time.”

So she said, “I wish I was a genie.”

“Very clever!” hissed the apparition in dismay but it waved its hands about and there was a blinding flash. After the smoke cleared, Niddala found herself wearing a turban.

“Now I can do what I like.”

“No you can’t!” roared the bald being. “That’s not how genies work. You have to grant wishes to others!”

Immediately it pounced on her and rubbed her stomach furiously. “I wish I was human!”

Niddala’s arms seemed to acquire a life of their own, describing strange shapes in the air. Another flash and the creature had shrunk to a normal size. He was still bald but now he was the colour of skin. His laughter was full of desperate relief.

“Free at last! I’m a man!”

“Wait a moment,” said Niddala. “Are you sure a genie is allowed to rub another genie? That doesn’t seem right somehow. I wouldn’t trust the result of such a wish. The effect might wear off.”

“I hadn’t thought of that. But I’m a man now and you’re a genie and I haven’t had my wish as a man yet, so I’m going to reconfirm my decision.”

He leaned forward with raised hands, rubbed her stomach again and called, “I wish I was human!”

But nothing happened. Niddala sighed.

“You can’t wish to be something you already are. That’s not a wish, but a grammatical error. A wish implies a yearning for a lack. You can’t lack a quality which you have.”

“I hate the pitfalls of logic!” came the exasperated reply. “Let me think of a different wording. I have it! I wish not to be a genie.”

This time arms were waved. Smoke.

Niddala blinked at the object which existed before her. It seemed to consist of everything at once, or parts of everything, or parts of an unimaginable number of other parts. The colours were scintillating. Then she understood what had happened.

“You fool! You’ve accidentally wished to be everything which isn’t a genie! Not being a genie is a quality which all things except genies possess. You’ve become a universal soup!”

The reply was trillionfold. “Yes, and I don’t feel well.”

Niddala arched an eyebrow. “I’m not surprised.” Then an idea came to her. She reached into the unbelievable swirl and felt around for a moment before rubbing the smooth and large something she finally found.

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