The Grass Is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank by Erma Bombeck

Author:Erma Bombeck [Bombeck, Erma]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2011-03-31T05:00:00+00:00

Unknown

Chapter Six

YA GOT TROUBLE

news item: Plans for a proposed drive-in movie will be submitted to members of the Suburbian Gems Plat Council at Wednesday night's meeting.

The theater, to be known as The Last Roundup, would lie erected on the patch of ground between “clean fill dirt wanted. call after 5 p.m. at 959-8800” and Ned Stems' Car Wash. Estimated to occupy about thirty acres, it will feature a western motif, 350 speakers, a refreshment stand, and permanent personal facilities. Prof. Harold Swill, vocal band director of Suburbian Gems High School, is heading a group of dissidents opposing The Last Roundup and is expected to speak out against the proposal.

“A drive-in movie!”

"Don't you understand? Friends, either you are closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated by the presence of a drive-in movie in your community.

"Well, ya got trouble, my friends, right here, I say trouble right here in Suburbian Gems. Sure, I'm a lover of the arts and certainly mighty proud, I say mighty proud to say it.

"I consider the hours I've spent with Sousa and Rom-berg are golden, helps you cultivate timing, discipline, a natural ear, and a way to get girls.

“Did you ever take a pocket comb, covered with toilet paper on a picnic and improvise with Tiger Rag—hah! I say any boob can fake a few bars of the ”Beer Barrel Polka," but I call that tacky—the first big step on the road to the depths of degrada ... I say first the Rape of Mozart, then a near-beer six-pack.

"And the next thing you know your son is marching with hair right down to his knees, listening to some stoned-out hippie talking about pot.

"Not a shiny cooking pot with Mom's ham and beans, no siree, but a pot where they freak out of their skulls, makes you sick I should say, now friends let me tell you what I mean, you got R (restricted), X (nothing censored) and a GP where Flipper gets a hickey—movies that make the difference between a pervert and a bum with a capital B that rhymes with D that stands for drive-in.

"And all week long your Suburbian Gems youth'll be goofing off—I say your young men will be goofing— goofing away their noontime, suppertime, choretime too, hook the speaker to the car, never mind getting the lawn fertilized, the sand in the litter box, sitting little sister and never bother delivering the Sunday paper till the supervisor calls on a Sunday afternoon and that's trouble, my friend—lots of trouble—I'm thinking of the kids in the back seat, kissing till their braces spark, cold popcorn, melted ice balls and that's trouble, right here in Suburbian Gems with a capital T which rhymes with D which stands for drive-in.

"Now I know all you folks are the right kind of parents. I'm gonna be perfectly frank. Would you like to know what kind of conversation goes on while they're watchin'

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