The Failure by James Greer

Author:James Greer [Greer, James]
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: Literary, Popular Culture, Satire, Social Science, Fiction
ISBN: 1933354976
Google: 3xWLE8rVSlwC
Amazon: B008G3GTE4
Goodreads: 6623436
Publisher: Akashic Books
Published: 2010-02-28T11:00:00+00:00

30. SQUIRREL VS. CAT: A DISCUSSION IN THE PROBABLY STOLEN CAR BETWEEN GUY AND BILLY IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING PLACE, ONE HOUR BEFORE THE KOREAN CHECK-CASHING FIASCO

Let me ask you a question: who do you think would win in a fight between a squirrel and a cat? said Guy

-Depends on the cat, obviously, said Billy. -But in general the cat. I had a cat once, used to kill squirrels and bring them back to the house, as presents, or trophies or something …

-I don’t mean a regular fight. I mean if the squirrel was on a skateboard and had a little helmet on, like a Roman centurion’s helmet except squirrel-size. And you pushed the skateboard squirrel toward the cat, who was maybe asleep. And you filmed the whole thing on a camcorder and posted it on a website.

-Which website?

-You’re missing the point. It’s like the difference between a Francophone and a Francophile. The former can speak French, the latter loves France, or the French or anything and everything to do with French culture.

-I didn’t know you spoke French.

-I don’t. I pronounce French. It’s the same with Russian. I know the Cyrillic alphabet and I’m told my Russian accent is very good, but I don’t know what a single word means. Well, I know one or two, but not much beyond “hello” and “goodbye.”

-So you could read an entire page of a Russian book out loud in the original …

-And not know the meaning of even one sentence. But if I were reading to an audience of native speakers, they’d understand perfectly. I can also do this with Latin and ancient Greek. It’s an unusually useless talent.

-I kind of like that.

-Who wouldn’t? You’re starting to see things my way.

-I am. I admit it.

-That’s very gratifying.

-I really wish we didn’t have to go through with this, sighed Billy.

-Your wishes are the engine that will drive this economy out of its present recession.

-I’m not sure that’s true, but thanks.

-You always read about these crazy revolutionary ideas that were funded by eccentric millionaires …

-Or billionaires …

-I tell you what, and you can have this idea for free after Pandemonium takes off: someone should start a site that lists names and contact info of eccentric millionaires.

-And billionaires.

-It might be harder to get the proper information with billionaires. Especially eccentric ones. I have a feeling they’re probably pretty reclusive.

-Like Howard Hughes.

-Well, I mean, he’s like the summa of eccentric billionaires. In the movie The Plane Magnate, the actor who played Hughes invested him with a number of tics, even as a young man. He had some form of obsessive-compulsive disorder, clearly.

-For which they have medications now.

-They have medications for everything. That’s why everyone’s so ordinary.

-Do you think so?

-Don’t get me wrong. I’m not antimeds. At this very moment I’m on two different kinds of antianxiety medicine.

-Wow.

-Yes—but this is important—medications are only useful when abused. Drugs are only any good to anyone when you take too many or too much of one kind; in other words, when you derive some pleasure from them.

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