THE DERANGED BOOK FOR OLD-TIMERS by Marcus Waring

Author:Marcus Waring
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Summersdale Publisher
Published: 2012-02-15T00:00:00+00:00

Classic mistakes for the uninitiated

Birdcalls can be confusing. When you start out, often in the garden, your fluffy new companions all seem to make the same kind of noise, demanding expensive nuts and seeds on which to gorge themselves. Begin by trying to identify common birds like the robin and the blackbird. The chiffchaff is also a good one to start with as it is quite easy to identify – it sort of tweets repetitively.

Wading birds rootle about in the mud for their food. Don’t wade out too far into the mud to observe them or you will become stuck and have to be craned out by a lifeboat crew who will sell your pictures to the local newspaper. They are mostly unpaid volunteers and need the money.

Know your chiffchaff from your willow warbler. The genuine chiffchaff will be a drabber colour, have shorter wings, a stubbier bill and will warble. Normally, the easiest way to separate these two is by the black legs of a chiffchaff, although this is not always reliable and so is actually not helpful at all.

If while birdwatching close to the sea you pull into a coastal resort or town for lunch or because you are fed up with seeing nothing but ducks, remember that seagulls love chips. While near fast food outlets, keep an eye out for enormous gulls casting a menacing eye over everyone’s provisions. Pensioners have been pulled off benches, and it is highly entertaining when it isn’t happening to you.

The world’s a playground

The University of Lapland in Finland did some studying and found that fooling about in a playground improved a pensioner’s balance, dexterity and speed. Then they tried it on a few more pensioners as the first one was bored on his own and was saying ‘Can I get off now?’ The inner city suburb of Blackley in Manchester has taken the bold step of building a playground for the aged, which is well worth a visit if you are in the area. With a sign reading ‘Never too old to play’, it is aimed solely at the over-sixties who want to use the six machines, including a ski-walker and a see-saw, and it’s excellent for mental and physical well-being as well as a good chinwag. If you enjoy this one, there are similar versions in Germany and Finland. Note that playing kiss chase was banned after someone banged their knee.

Don’t be Sarky

Herm, the smallest of the Channel Islands, is perfect for birdwatching, looking at pretty flowers and a secretive snog among the rocks. Being only a mile and a half long, it is ideal for short, manageable strolls and the beach has idle pleasures like picking up lots of different kinds of seashells, which isn’t going to overexcite anyone. Sark, part of the Bailiwick of Guernsey, is a favourite because, like Herm, there aren’t any cars, meaning you can’t hire one and endanger the islanders with your outdated notions about driving. La Coupée, the narrow isthmus connecting the two

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