The Bluffer's Guide to Insider Hollywood by Sally Whitehill

Author:Sally Whitehill
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bluffer's Guides

‘Clear the lens’ is Hollywood talk for ‘Get the f*** out of the way!’

Clear the lens This is Hollywood talk for ‘Get the f*** out of the way!’ This phrase is usually uttered by irate camera operators who are trying to line up a shot. You shouldn’t take this personally, as they often yell the converse: ‘Find the lens!’ to encourage actors to figure out where the camera is. Which, as an actor, would seem to be one of your main jobs. Cameras also tend to be rather large, which should make the task of identifying one easy.

Clear the eyeline The actor’s retort of choice. These poor devils may have been yelled at to find the camera, to take their clothes off, to walk and talk in a certain way, to kiss an ugly co-star with a fondness for chewing garlic before scenes… this phrase is the silver bullet in their defensive arsenal.

Actors can explain poor performances by claiming to be distracted by a crew member, director, cloud or alien that is in their eyeline. Several years ago an actor well-known for playing Batman went apoplectic on a film set because some minion was in his eyeline. He demanded the prompt sacking of this poor lackey. What Batman failed to realise (his superhuman powers letting him down in this unfortunate moment) was that there are many cameras on a film stage. His outburst was recorded and posted online, forcing our shamefaced superhero to make a very public apology.

Craft services A great place for a bluffer to hang out while attempting to avoid responsibility of any kind. Craft services is basically a mobile cafeteria. For bluffers who will never venture west of Cardiff, you might consider designating your kitchen as ‘craft services’ and telling any guests that you are ‘popping to crafty’ when you offer to make them a cuppa. If you can arrange for a kindly middle-aged lady to be on hand there (who is not recognisably your mum), so much the better.

Day out of days This biblical-sounding phrase describes the chart that tells everyone when actors are needed for shooting. With your chronic fear of film sets you should aim to be on this as little as possible. It is always more productive to bluff in absentia.

Dailies These are DVDs or internet links of the filming that took place the day before. They are sent to poor, nameless executives who are forced to watch 500 shots of something prosaic to make sure that their studio’s money is being well spent. They may then call the producer or director (or anyone else who will take their calls) to make oblique and annoying comments on the dailies as a way of exacting revenge for the grind their life has become. The best comments focus on aspects of shooting that can no longer be changed or have nothing to do with the dailies, such as music notes.

Doris Day parking The best parking space on the lot. It is, of course, de rigueur for all bluffers, in all places and at all times.

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