The Anger Fallacy: Uncovering the Irrationality of the Angry Mindset by Steven Laurent & Ross G Menzies

Author:Steven Laurent & Ross G Menzies [Laurent, Steven & Menzies, Ross G]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Self-Help, Anger Management
ISBN: 9781922117205
Google: n0RUAwAAQBAJ
Publisher: Australian Academic
Published: 2013-12-23T21:24:22+00:00

Find the Should

Rebecca has been standing at the counter in the cheese shop for five minutes. The shop assistant has been gossiping on the phone to a friend. She is angry. What is Rebecca probably thinking?

Sam opens up a birthday present from his girlfriend and finds that it is a jumper that is two sizes too small. He is irritated by this. What is he likely thinking? Is there more than one possibility?

Shoulds are as common and varied as the people on earth, and categorising them or producing an exhaustive list is not yet something we’ve managed to do with any rigour. Here are some of the more common we encounter:

•Things should be fair:

- benefits and resources should be fairly distributed according to [my own] criteria of worth or deservingness

- in a relationship, if I have done something for you, you should do something for me.

•People should respect me: People should recognise and acknowledge my status/rank/superiority: People ‘beneath’ me should display due respect and subjugation.

•Life should run smoothly: Day-to-day events should occur seamlessly and without obstacle: wrappers should open effortlessly; traffic should flow; phone calls should always get through immediately; people shouldn’t be late for appointments; meteorological conditions should accommodate my plans; staff shouldn’t be incompetent, slow or stupid.

•Organisations should run smoothly and optimally.

•People should not criticise me: People shouldn’t put me down, point out my flaws, reproach me or disagree with me.

•People should be selfless and considerate of others and helpful and socially conscious and decorous and civil and decent and polite and generally altruistic. Family, friends and lovers should prefer or prioritise me over others and should not shun or ignore me; they should be giving, loving, warm, friendly (sympathetic, helpful, supportive), understanding and forgiving.

•People should be hard-working.

•People should care about the arts.

•People should be honest, upfront, and candid.

•People should fulfil their promises.

•Men should choose their sexual partners according to personality, not looks;

•Women should take a subjugated role in a domestic relationship.

•Policemen should forgive minor offences.

•People should be loyal; they should defend their own.

And so on and so on … The most radical step in reducing anger — the most transforming — is to undermine and reframe the shoulding mindset. And we’re not talking lip service or bumper stickers. We mean genuinely altering your outlook. But there are a couple of steps before that, the first of which is learning to work out which shoulds are specifically getting you angry.

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