The Absolute Bull of New Zealand by Denis Joseph

Author:Denis Joseph
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781543495270
Publisher: Xlibris
Published: 2018-11-26T05:00:00+00:00

Chapter 10. The Tenth Rule of

Defence: Repositioning the Crim as

an Honest Upright Individual

‘Oink! Oink! Wink! Wink! Because behind every fortune lies a great crime!’ exclaimed The Liayer loftily, waggling his fins around his midsection which was shaped like a pregnant rugby ball. The quote was profound and realistic, and even Justin Case’s eyebrows rose in appreciative wonderment. However, The Liayer, being acutely aware of plagiarism, reluctantly volunteered his inspiration as Honoré de Balzac.

Noting Justin’s blank look, The Liayer expounded forth, ‘Monseigneur Balzac was a French novelist, and along with Flaubert, he is generally regarded as a founding father of realism in European literature. He lived in the nineteenth century, which is about a hundred and fifty years or so ago,’ said The Liayer, meticulously counting on his imaginary fingers.

‘Are you trying to say that crime pays?’ asked Justin Case innocently.

‘Handsomely!’ said The Liayer with proud vehemence, his eyes aglitter as he mentally calculated his commission, plus the handout that is generously labelled as Legal Aid. ‘And not only that. You actually get to wallow in it … with the full support of the justice system. No wonder New Zealand is a safe country to commit fiscal crimes. Crims in ties and expensive suits swig champagne in home detention and toast the Government for creating the 99 per cent pure looter’s paradise.’

Absolute decided to butt in. (Do forgive another awful pun.)

Dear Reader,

It might be a travesty of justice that the 1 per cent who faithfully represent Honoré’s truthful observation of fortune might or might not be criminals. It is a constant debate in the collective judicial cerebrum that aged and venerated gentleman dressed in classic suits and ties can hardly be termed ‘criminal’, as the word itself is usually a vivid descriptor of the Great Unwashed. The justice system of New Zealand understands and acknowledges that such financial misappropriators of OPM (Other People’s Money, not opium) are nit-picky about their appearance and practice the Great Wash every day in marbled-tiled bathrooms. Hence, as they don’t meet the conditions of the formula ‘Great Unwashed = Criminal’, it stands to reason that community service and home detention are the preferred punishment that fits the crime.

Of course, in rare examples, some members of the Great Washed receive prison sentences, but because of ‘circumstances’ (which includes ‘anguish’ and ‘poverty’), the six-year sentence is reduced to a mere two years in the coop. A simple calculation has shown that, on an average, a fin crim’s month in jail is worth $2 million of OPM. By comparison, every chief executive of New Zealand’s public enterprises as well as members of the Beehive Drone Club are grossly underpaid.

Sincerely washed up,

Absolute Bull

Absolute would have chewed the cud for eons, espousing his worldly view of the Great Washed versus the Unwashed, if it were not for an impatient and cynical interruption from The Liayer who hated to be interrupted.

‘For the sake of justice, Absolute. Stop talking through your tail,’ thundered The Liayer. ‘There’s work to be done, although I do note that your incisive observations only reinforce my new strategy for the defence.

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