Texts from Bennett by Lethal Mac

Author:Lethal, Mac [Lethal, Mac]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Gallery Books
Published: 2013-09-03T05:00:00+00:00

19

God, Politics, and Jay-Z versus Nas

I drove around for hours by myself, listening to Mexican polka on the radio. For some reason, the accordions and Spanish language that I couldn’t understand a word of helped lessen the sting of finding out that Harper cheated on me with turtleneck-wearing vegan Chad. I pulled over to the liquor store and bought a six-pack of Founders Red’s Rye PA. I didn’t have a bottle opener in the car, so I had to bite off the bottle caps with my rear molars—a practice I had been using since ninth grade.

My phone was on the passenger seat. I had no idea if anyone was calling or texting. I didn’t care. I was stewing in my own self-pity. After a beer was finished, I’d throw its empty bottle onto the street, hoping a person who had recently cheated on their spouse would trip and fall on it. Then I’d open another one. They were getting progressively warmer.

I hadn’t felt this type of sadness—the gambler’s uncertainty, the feeling that I was doomed to be forever alone—since I was a little fifth-grade lad and Katie Stanford (a seventh grader!) dumped me at Skateland South. She said I “wore dorky shoes” and was “too shy,” and she broke up with me just like that.

Wait, no. Scratch that. Beer memory. She didn’t actually say anything. She had her friend Lynn come over and break up with me for her. I remember trying to instantly heal the abrasions Katie left on my heart by rebounding with the first girl in sight. Which was Lynn, by default. I had such a cheesy, skewed, Disney-movie grasp on attraction and love that when Lynn asked me, “Are you going to be okay?” I read the flickering light from the Coke machine that was reflecting in Lynn’s eye as a supernatural twinkle, so I responded with, “Your eyes are glowing. I can sense your love so deeply. Go steady with me, Lynn. Go steady with me.” And I took her hand.

With perhaps outsize pity, Lynn patted me on the head and declined. It was devastating. But I soldiered on . . . and ended up being spurned by three other girls that same night. To extrapolate on that, I literally skated up to a group of three other girls who were playing pinball, and one by one, in order of cutest to least cute, asked them all to go steady with me. They all said no.

After another particularly otherworldly polka rendition by Los Banditos Milagros of all things, and a few more crushed bottles, I realized that, indeed, my phone had been vibrating.

HARPER: Baby, please.

HARPER: Baby? Lover?

HARPER: Honey?

HARPER: You are my life. My dream man.

ME: Shut up, bitch.

HARPER: It kills me to see you say that. Baby, no.

ME: Go back to Vermont, you racist.

ME: I’m coming home soon and if your stuff is there I’m going to let Mercedes have it.

HARPER: [Very long text about how she’s sorry, and how I’m her everything, and she

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