Something That May Shock and Discredit You by Daniel Mallory Ortberg

Author:Daniel Mallory Ortberg
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Atria Books
Published: 2020-02-10T16:00:00+00:00

One of the things I’d feared most about starting testosterone therapy was the idea of losing my hair, that I might arrive to manhood late enough that its first fruits would be male-pattern baldness, that I would have made a foolish bargain trading away being a reasonably pretty woman for a single proud and loyal sprout of hair mocking my head. Dorothy’s response to this man is, as always, dry, fond, and exasperated, utterly uninterested in humoring male vanity by avoiding the truth: “Stanley, you wore a toupee for twenty-seven years.”

And then she marries Leslie Nielsen, and then she moves away. That’s the end of the show.

I kept watching in increasing confusion, thinking, They’re going to have to come up with some reason to get rid of him really fast, because I know the next five seasons of The Golden Girls don’t prominently feature Leslie Nielsen as Dorothy’s husband Lucas, who lives next door and is always stopping by for iced tea and cheesecake. But they don’t get rid of him; he marries Dorothy and they move away. I didn’t know the end was coming—I didn’t even know what I was watching was the end of something. I proceeded to entirely lose it, and started sobbing in front of my friend. We had watched the pilot episode only a few hours before. I had thought we had more time. In the very first episode, Blanche almost moves out of their shared home to get married, but her fiancé turns out to be a bigamist and a con artist who gets arrested right before the ceremony. Blanche takes to her bed for three weeks. She finally comes out of her room to talk to the rest of the girls:

BLANCHE: At first I wanted to give up, to die, truly. Only time I ever felt worse was when George died. But then I had the kids with me and I pulled through it. This time, I thought, “This is my last chance, my last hope for happiness.” I just thought I’d never feel good again.

SOPHIA: How long is this story? I’m eighty. I have to plan.

BLANCHE: This morning I woke up and I was in the shower, shampooing my hair, and I heard humming. I thought there was someone in there with me. No, it was me. I was humming. And humming means I’m feeling good. And then I realized I was feeling good because of you. You made the difference. You’re my family, and you make me happy to be alive.

ROSE: Let’s drive to Coconut Grove for lunch.

BLANCHE: Okay!

ROSE: My treat. We have to celebrate.

SOPHIA: What, that she came out of her room?

ROSE: That we’re together.

DOROTHY: And that no matter what happens, even if we all get married, we’ll stick together.

ROSE: Then we’ll need a much bigger house.

DOROTHY: Sure, Rose.

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