So You Wanna Run a Country? by Kevin Holohan

Author:Kevin Holohan
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Akashic Books, Ltd.

XI

After twenty minutes of listening to the almost telepathic exchanges between the two Uilkitz sisters, Mooney was regretting his decision to accompany the Spinster to visit the Relict in her Quartel apartments. Out of courtesy, the two almost identical old sisters conversed in their stiff, tweedy Frockshow English, but Mooney still understood nothing. He would have been better off at another frustrating fencing lesson or bored out of his skull “supervising” the excavation.

“And how is the …?”

“No worse, no better. And your …?”

“Settling nicely …”

“Ha!”

“And that hole in the ground?”

“Still not quite big enough to accommodate the Utterminster’s ego.”

Here they chuckled softly together, the Relict Uilkitz stealing the occasional guilty glance at Mooney. The two sisters’ combined ancientness treating him as the responsible grown-up in the room was very disconcerting.

While their chatter continued, Mooney lost himself in the clutter of the high-ceilinged room. The walls were covered in postage stamps. The furniture was a dizzying mishmash of styles and periods. The carpet consisted of interwoven dragons, unicorns, and griffins, all fornicating or devouring themselves or one another on a bed of elaborately intertwined gold flowers all set on a deep vermilion background. Mooney sat perched on the edge of a zebra-skin chaise longue while the two sisters sat opposite each other, each in her own time-worn red wingback armchair.

After a particularly long and enigmatic exchange of half sentences, the two sisters paused and sighed together, then sat back as if in relief. From this, Mooney assumed the visit was nearing its end.

The Relict tinkled a little glass bell on her side table. Within seconds, a bright-eyed man who appeared to be in his sixties entered the drawing room. He steered an elaborate assemblage of glass receptacles, tubes, retorts, and alembics the size of a small donkey.

“Thank you, Cowan. Will you be joining us?”

“Uhm, no, mum. Not today, if you don’t mind.” He smiled warmly at Mooney. “No offense, I’m in the middle of something.”

“Will you join us, Master Regent?” asked the Relict sweetly.

“Join you …?” stumbled Mooney.

“A little recreational herbalism. Sister and I are very partial to it after our little chats. We find it most relaxing. Do join us. I am certain you will enjoy it. This bong is of our own personal design.”

The Spinster Uilkitz nodded enthusiastically. “It is a pity my nephew Cowan can’t stay. Please do join us. We would enjoy the company and, if I might make so bold, it may alleviate your general ennui and the impasse with your fencing progress you were telling me about.”

Mooney shrugged. Cowan uncoiled and distributed three of the tubes connected to the apparatus. Mooney saw that the silver mouthpiece Cowan passed to him was unmistakably shaped like an erect penis.

“Ah, you appear to have my pipe,” grinned the Relict. “My apologies. You must forgive an old woman her nostalgia.”

Cowan swapped the Relict’s and Mooney’s pipes, then produced a cedar box from which he extracted a generous handful of small dried leaves. He rubbed the leaves between his palms and placed them on a mesh over the mouth of one of the retorts.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.