Smooth by Matt Burns

Author:Matt Burns [Burns, Matt]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781536211849
Publisher: Candlewick Press
Published: 2020-08-04T16:00:00+00:00

On Christmas morning, my parents gave us all a new computer for the family room and told me I could keep our old one in my room. I’d kind of forced them into letting me keep it because I’d been holding it hostage since Thanksgiving and I was the only one who knew how to take it apart and put it back together. Kate had screamed about me taking it at the time, but Mom let her use her laptop and she got over it, and now the desktop was officially mine. Perfect. I could continue to do my internet browsing alone without hearing some awful sitcom laugh track behind me.

As soon as I set up the new computer, Dad looked up a traffic report and then frantically collected all the wrapping paper scraps and hauled the bag out to the garage trash can to erase any evidence of Christmas. Then he rushed into his car and told us to put our shoes on faster if we wanted any chance of beating the traffic on the way to Grandma’s house.

Hardly anyone else was on the road.

Few things make a fifteen-year-old feel more insignificant than Christmas with extended family. Here are the gifts I received: The Beginner’s Guide to Card Tricks, a child’s acoustic guitar, an expensive Harley-Davidson motorcycle figurine, a framed photograph of a lion, a set of poker chips, and a jar full of baking supplies that could someday become brownies. There was no pattern, through line, or consistency to that spread; it was a collection of random items that had probably never been put together before and never would be put together again. It was like a dozen delivery trucks had crashed together on the highway and my uncles and aunts had pulled over and said, “Oh, shit, did anyone get anything for Kevin?” and then pointed to a smoking pile and decided, “That’ll do.”

On the drive over, Dad had reviewed the plan for the afternoon: a half hour of mingling with relatives followed by an hour of basketball on TV, an hour for eating, and then a half hour to open gifts and “wrap things up” and be the first people to leave. It aligned almost perfectly with my own schedule, except during his mingling and basketball windows I’d penciled in “hiding in low-traffic areas.” The idea crossed my mind of blocking out a section to masturbate — not out of any real sexual desire, more as a way to kill time — but I ultimately decided against it. It felt like a mature and wise decision. Instead of giving frankincense or myrrh, I’d eliminate the possibility of my family members walking in on me beating off in an upstairs bathroom. It was the greatest gift they’d never know they’d received.

Dad dove right into the fray, shaking hands with all of his brothers and sisters-in-law, asking them these insanely specific questions about their jobs. I have no idea how he keeps track of all those personal details about people.

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