Schmidt Happens by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Author:Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781844884520
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2019-06-26T16:00:00+00:00

6.

A New and Exciting Interior Make-Over!

Sorcha is on the phone, inquiring about hiring – I shit you not – a bouncy castle. She wouldn’t dream of doing that if Honor was still here. ‘While the cat’s away,’ I go. ‘It’s a definite case of that.’

She covers the mouthpiece. She’s there, ‘What was that, Ross?’

I’m like, ‘Nothing. Carry on ordering your bouncy castle there.’

‘It’s fine. They’ve put me on hold.’

‘I’m just saying, I can’t imagine they’re going to be too happy around here when they see that monstrosity going up in the gorden. Not a good look for the Vico Road, Sorcha. Not a good look.’

‘Which is why I called around to all the neighbours to tell them that my son was being christened this weekend and we were having a porty in the house afterwards with about twenty children there.’

This is Sorcha’s way of trying to make up for having to cancel the big Confirmation bash. She’s – what’s the phrase? – over-compensating?

‘And they’ve no issues with us having a bouncy castle?’ I go. ‘Even though they’re very WC?’

She’s like, ‘I grew up on this road, Ross. They’re not the snobs that you think they are around here.’

She goes back to talking to whoever’s on the other end of the phone then. She’s like, ‘Yes, ten o’clock in the morning would be perfect for delivery. And do you think you could deflate it for us before eight o’clock in the evening? It’s just a rule that the residents association has around here … Oh, that’s great. Thank you so much.’

Then she hangs up. I look out the window of the kitchen. Fionn is out in the gorden with Sorcha’s old man – the two of them thick as thieves, talking about fock knows what. Sorcha’s old dear is holding Hillary and pointing out the names of various trees to him – yeah, like he’s going to remember them!

Actually, he probably will remember them.

I’m there, ‘I’d say they’re already doing their nut around here about us having that Shomera out there. Focking eyesore of a thing.’

Sorcha goes, ‘She’s having the time of her life in Australia, Ross.’

‘How do we know that?’

‘I’ve been talking to Erika. On WhatsApp.’

Honor’s been gone, like, two weeks now and I haven’t heard a word from her, aport from a text to say that she’d landed safely; then, a week later, an email saying she was an important social media influencer with over 100,000 followers and if I didn’t send her free beauty products she would absolutely rip me aport on her YouTube channel; then, ten minutes later, another email saying sorry, that last email was meant for Ross at Estée Lauder and not me.

Other than that, it’s been basically radio silence. I’ve phoned her and I’ve texted her I don’t know how many times. I spent the whole afternoon yesterday WhatsApping her photos that I found online of celebrities without their make-up. Perrie Edwards was the funniest – walking back from the shops with a corton of milk and a box of Frosties.

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