Repeat by Neal Pollack

Author:Neal Pollack [Pollack, Neal]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi, azw3
Tags: Humor & Entertainment, Humor, Satire, Literature & Fiction, Humor & Satire, Humorous, General Humor
ISBN: 1477821333
Amazon: B00MJFZWNO
Publisher: Lake Union Publishing
Published: 2015-03-23T11:00:00+00:00

Things got worse before they got better, and then the US invaded Iraq and things got worse again. Either way, business boomed over at Cohenopolis, which is what Brad was calling his website, as the rest of the world gradually got online. Brad took no great pleasure in filing opinionated diatribes on Guantanamo Bay, Abu Ghraib, and the Patriot Act, or lengthy posts describing the creation of the Department of Homeland Security as “the birth of patronage surveillance.” But he still posted the opinions at exactly the right point in the media curve. The people were online now, and reading.

What was bad for America was good for the Brad Cohen business. He called the subprime mortgage crisis an “intercontinental boodle quest that made the Teapot Dome look like a Girl Scout Cookies sale” and did so in 2006 when only the true obsessives were paying attention. Meanwhile, his bar mitzvah money continued to marinate in Apple stock, making him a lot of money. He appeared on Bill Maher twice. Jon Stewart asked him, on his third guest appearance, “Why is it that you’re always right about everything?” Time hired him to write a weekly column.

Brad was on Twitter from Day Ten, on Facebook soon after, and on MSNBC permanently almost immediately after that. After Dinner with Brad Cohen premiered to low ratings, until Brad went on a streak in 2006. He started calling Barack Obama “America’s first black president,” riffing on a phrase that he’d coined in a 1994 New Century profile when young Barack was just a community organizer with an eye on the Illinois State Senate. Brad had been cultivating friendships in the Obama camp before that camp had even known it existed.

On election night 2008, Brad sat there on the MSNBC podium alongside Rachel Maddow, Chris Matthews, Big Ed Schultz, and all the other liberal swells, basking in the Dawn of a New America. “Brad,” Chris Matthews said, “you got Obama right, you got Hillary right. You got Sarah Palin right. If you’d been alive in 1948, you would have gotten Harry Truman right. I’ve never seen anyone who’s as right as you. So tell us: What’s going to happen next?”

“I’m keeping that to myself,” Brad said slyly.

Here was the problem, though: Brad didn’t know. The statute of limitations was running out on his powers. As of March 2010, his ability to predict the future would expire. Even now he could feel the predictions narrowing away. His mind suffered from a kind of future drought. He knew that Obama would stay in power for at least the next couple of years and that the Republicans would block him at every opportunity, but he had no idea what the outcome of that might be. He couldn’t even begin to guess, because he didn’t know.

He’d been able to specifically predict the 2004 Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction two years ahead of time, but after early 2010, anything that might happen in pop culture was a vast and stupid mystery. Gay

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