Reboot by Jerry Colonna

Author:Jerry Colonna
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2019-06-17T16:00:00+00:00

Remember,

in this place

no one can hear you

and out of the silence

you can make a promise

it will kill you to break.

“[T]hat way,” the poet promises, “you’ll find what is real and what is not.”

What’s real? What’s not? I’d walked Wonderland with my colleague Andrew just days before. It was on our third circumambulation of the lake when he finally asked the question he’d been carrying: What should I do with my life? Earlier in the week, he’d stopped me at a coffee shop; mid-order, he turned to me: “Can we go for a walk sometime?” His eyes revealed a terror; he expected me to scoff and reject him, to laugh in his face at the absurdity of his idea.

“Of course,” I said, “I’d like that. How about Friday, at eleven, at Wonderland?”

Cattails at the lake’s edge swayed. The frost glistened as the sun moved toward the center of the sky. He turns to me, “I know this is absurd of me to ask . . . I mean, I’m a coach, too, and I’m supposed to be giving other people advice . . . but, well . . .”

The pause hung. “What?” I asked. “Andrew, whatever story you’re telling yourself is likely wrong. Whatever it is that’s stopping you from speaking is old, tired, and worn out. Old programming designed to keep you safe. I’m not judging you. I’m just a friend, going for a walk with you.”

He burst into tears: “I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m forty-four years old and I have no idea if I’m doing the right thing.” The tears flowed and his body shook. I grabbed his hands and squared up opposite him.

“Andrew, no one knows if they’re doing the right thing. No one. Whatever story you’ve been telling yourself about how you’ve failed, whatever ‘should’ you’ve been carrying about having had it all figured out by now . . . well, all that’s just bullshit, stories told to you by the ghosts in your machine.”

Through blurry, teary eyes he looked from our clasped hands to my eyes, still unsure if I was judging him. “But you’ve got it all together, you figured out how to make a living doing the thing you love.”

I burst out laughing: “Oh, geez. Have I got you fooled!”

We started walking again. His questions became pragmatic and structural. “Give me the steps, Jerry. How do I get customers? How do I convince people to hire me? How do I build a business? How do I raise money? How do I hire people? How do I fire people?”

All genuine, important questions but, really, all a proxy for the deeper existential questions: Am I doing it right? Is it supposed to feel this confusing? Will I ever feel safe, warm, and happy? Where do I belong? What do I want from this life? Am I worth it? Have I earned my place on the planet, in this life? And, of course, If my life isn’t unfolding as I expected, then what am I doing?

“I want to strip everything away,” he continued.

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