Quantum Bullsh*t by Chris Ferrie

Author:Chris Ferrie
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sourcebooks
Published: 2023-06-15T00:00:00+00:00

If You Hate Something, Set It Free

You know what? I was ready to let it all go. I really was. Maybe quantum bullshit wasn’t so bad, I thought. Then someone told me about fucking Goop, which—to the best of my knowledge—is about alternative medicine, Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina, and quantum physics. If you are interested in more than one of these things, I’m here to help. Well, maybe—it depends which one interests you most.

According to Wikipedia, “Goop is a wellness and lifestyle brand and company.”v Gross. This is a combination of two of the worst inventions in human history—pseudoscience and brand marketing. Here’s a good idea. Give them a Netflix special. Oh, and put the word lab in there to make it sound legitimate. Fuck me. Netflix executives must hate humanity. Not only could I not be bothered to spend fifteen minutes researching Goop, but I also couldn’t bring myself to watch more than fifteen seconds of this godforsaken show. Luckily, my trusty YouTube algorithm—primed on hours of an absolute dumpster fire of unintelligible trash—recommended a few key clips of The Goop Lab to me. Here’s the most offensive utterance from the show:

“There’s been some amazing research done in Quantum Physics to support this. One foundational study is called the Double Slit experiment. Proved empirically without a shadow of a doubt that our consciousness actually shifts or alters—in some way, shape, or form—physical reality.”vi

I’m sorry, what? I’d love to tell you what the fuck this bullshitter was talking about, but it really doesn’t matter, does it? No, because this makes absolutely no fucking sense. I really can’t bring myself to watch it again to find out for sure, but I think the show was about some “healer” who waves his hands over people as they spasm, apparently being exorcised of their last few brain cells. Actually, forget what I said before. You should go watch some clips of this episode to really get a sense of the sheer stupidity of it. Of course, quantum superposition—and certainly not some routine experiment performed by undergraduates—can’t explain what is going on when the self-proclaimed healer telekinetically molests his inexplicably attractive patients. But I can. They are all completely self-indulgent assholes, oblivious to the fact that 90 percent of people know they are full of shit, and the other 10 percent don’t give a fuck. No. No. No. There is no science in this at all, let alone quantum physics.

I’m not even that mad about Goop. What really annoys me is how and how much people react to it. The worst culprits come from the “skeptics” community. These people love to play the part of the infinitely rational scientist, keen to follow the evidence wherever it may lead. Here’s the thing: science is guided partly by logic, partly by intuition, and partly by luck. If we had to evaluate, test, or replicate every stupid claim we heard, nothing would ever get done.

Next time you get a whiff of something that smells like bullshit, don’t pick it up just to be sure.

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