Pretend You're Mine by Hailey Smoke

Author:Hailey Smoke [Smoke, Hailey]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2020-03-31T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter 11: Taylor

I struggled to get out of bed every morning for the next week. I still pushed myself to get up and managed to by focusing on my guilt at abandoning my responsibilities. I was on autopilot when I went to work. I did everything I was supposed to, but it didn’t feel like I was the one doing it; it was like I was at a distance, floating, watching my body work. I came home and made dinner, then went to bed again. I didn’t feel up to exercising or anything else. Mrs. Tupp told me I was very likely spiraling into a depressive episode but hearing those words didn’t pull me out of it. I had felt a weight on myself nearly my whole life. Only recently had I felt it get lifted further and further until it only bothered me sometimes. Now it was like it had been shoved back down on my shoulders and its weight was all I could feel.

Lydia made it better. During our nightly dinners she had plenty of time and reason to, but never asked what happened between me and my parents, between me and my mother. When they had visited, I had no idea what I was going to do, my brain stopped. But without having to even ask me what was wrong, she seemed to know what I needed and how best to keep my mother away from me. Lydia didn’t even let her get close enough to touch me. I would never be able to repay her for that. But I could tell she was worried about me, but after my illness, I promised that I didn’t want to do that to her again. I tried to get myself in the mood to give her the affection I know she craved. At the gardens I had wanted it too, but now I lacked the spark that drove me to take her there.

A few days after the incident, I pushed her against our countertops and kissed her hard and fast. She wanted this and I wanted to get it done quickly. I crashed into her lips and she seemed to be into it too. At least I thought, until she tapped my wrist. I stopped immediately. She gently put a hand on my chest and pushed me back slightly. She smiled, but it wasn’t her usual bright one, it was twisted with concern. “Maybe we should try this later?” I felt shame deep inside. She could tell I couldn’t be what she wanted like this.

***

I tossed and turned. Since my old prescription didn’t seem to be working anymore, Mrs. Tupp and I discussed different options. I was started on a different antidepressant and it fixed my constant drowsiness but replaced it with insomnia. I was going to have to try something else. But that wouldn’t help me now. I knew it would be better to stay in bed and keep trying, or at least rest my eyes. But I

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