Posh by Laura Wade

Author:Laura Wade
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Oberon Books Ltd.

ACT TWO

SCENE 1

The boys are eating pudding, faces close to large dishes of eton Mess.

ED: So my mother and father are stuck in this tiny little sitting room upstairs, huddled round a gas fire, rooms all round them getting opened to visitors ’cause they’ve got some cunting tapestry or William of Orange slept there. Next time I go back they’ll have stuck my parents in the fucking Buttery.

HARRY: Same at mine, mate.

ED: Held to ransom by the National Trust.

HARRY: Board of Trustees.

ED: Guides walking through the house saying ‘we restored this room last year’ as if it’s theirs.

ALISTAIR: Shameful.

HARRY: Last time I was home this guide woman – I think she must have been new – she told me I couldn’t go behind one of the ropes. I said yes I can it’s my house.

ED: Fucking sick of it.

TOBY: The fucking. Wankers.

TOBY drinks.

GEORGE: Haven’t people always wanted a look inside big houses? We’ve always had visitors.

HUGO: They’re not visitors now, they’re customers.

HARRY: Every year it’s thinking of new ways to get the punters in. Used to be just the summer, now they’ve got this German Christmas craft fair.

ED: Yeah, we’re having that. Shitty wooden toys.

HARRY: Whole place smells of cinnamon.

ED: We’re having Husky races this year.

HARRY: And endless film crews, fucking Jane Austen.

HUGO: Sex and Sexibility.

ED: We’ve got to reschedule my sister’s wedding because it clashes with the teddy bears’ picnic and they’ve already done the leaflets.

It’s so grubby.

ALISTAIR: Yeah, exactly – we’re all bending over backwards.

MILES: It’s all about bears with you, isn’t it?

HUGO: The age of compromise…

ED: It’s an important collection.

JAMES: It’s good, isn’t it, if they want to visit? What history’s for.

HUGO: No, because – no, Leighton, it’s not their history. These are – these are private houses, family homes. And they were built by people who knew how to actually live, people with a bit of –

I mean men who built things big, so big you look at them now and think god, how many people did that take to –

And lived unapologetically, that’s the thing. Defended themselves if they needed to, I mean they wrote the history of this country in their own blood. Built these houses as proof of their, their magnificence because they were proud of who they were and what they stood for.

Now they’re trampled through by people only there for the cream tea and the novelty thimble.

HARRY: Except they don’t want the cream tea anymore, reckon the buns are ‘too expensive’. Everything’s about value for money, grubby little voucher schemes.

GUY: Fucking recession, isn’t it?

ALISTAIR: Happening before the recession, mate. Blair’s lot, giving the kids too much pocket money,

HARRY: ‘Because you’re worth it’.

DIMITRI: Yawn.

HUGO: (Turning to JAMES.) Why should Ed’s family have to put up with their house getting turned into a theme park?

JAMES: Because otherwise they couldn’t afford to get the roof fixed.

GEORGE: Always the roof.

ED: Roof wouldn’t be a problem if they hadn’t taken all the money when grandpa died.

JAMES: Yeah, OK, but you know, your parents made a decision, didn’t they, to open the –

GEORGE: Our roof’s got holes you could fire a cow through.

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